Enjoy Everyday Moments

by the way ...

2012-01-31T20:48:00.002-07:00

... have you heard?

As of June I will be Mrs. Bradley Jensen.

Dang straight -- I'm getting hitched and I cannot, cannot, cannot wait!!!!!

He is pretty much perfect ... wait, no, he is absolutely perfect.

He is the greatest thing ever to happen to me.

And, I love him.

the end.

Dear 2011,

2011-12-31T10:25:00.003-07:00

I can’t believe it’s already the end of another year, timepasses quicker and quicker these days! But, ya know what 2011? I kinda likeyou. Not because you were easy, not because you gave me everything I wanted,not because I avoided hardship … but merely because of what you taught me andwho you allowed me to become during the past 12 months.

I knew at the beginning of this year that I would bechanging, and changing for the good. I had high hopes for myself and for mylife. I resolved to be a better person, to be a better mom and most importantlyto be a better disciple. To be honest, I didn’t start off on the greatest footor with the best attitude but thankfully, that didn’t last long. As I look backover the past year, I am honestly amazed at what I have conquered and what Ihave learned and who I have become.

I like you, 2011, because you brought people into my lifethat I needed. People that changed me for the good, people that taught mevaluable lessons, people that helped me through the challenges. It doesn’t meanthat those relationships didn’t end in heartbreak and hurt … but I value thechanges and the lessons more than I could have ever imagined. One relationshiptaught me the importance of being the best me and striving towards perfectionin the gospel. The other relationship taught me what I deserve and that I needto not settle. See, how can you not be grateful for those things!?

I also love you 2011, because of the type of mom you taughtme to become. I truly realized the importance of that calling. I also realizedwhat a blessing it is to have Kason. I became very grateful for my entirefamily this year in all honesty. Before I was always glad they were there but,the deep level of gratitude was lacking. I think that this year, I was able to achievethat and it makes me grateful I get to have them around forever and ever.

I am also glad I joined the working world this year. Iabsolutely love my job, my bosses, my coworkers and the children I work with.It has been a greater blessing than I could have ever imagined. I love gettingto go to work every day and be a part of everyone’s life there. It will be asad day when I have to leave that place!!

Now, I make you sound like a perfect year and as much as Iwould like to say that that was the case … unfortunately, you weren’t perfect.Like I said, I didn’t get everything I wanted, I had serious heartbreak andhurt, I failed people and my Father in Heaven, I lost trust and confidence in myself& I am certain there were moments I would like to just forget. There aredefinitely things I am not proud of but, what kind of year would it be if wedidn’t have our ups and downs!? Next year, I will work a little harder on thatperfection thing…

Well, 2011, I’m not sure what else to say except thank you. Thankyou for the lessons, for the blessings, for the knowledge gained, for thepeople who have come and gone, for the excitement and faith that was restoredbecause of you. Thank you for teaching me it’s okay to fail, as long as weresolve to do better next time. Thank you for teaching me the true value offriends and family. Thank you for allowing me to experience the many ways mybishop and my ward can be of help to me. Thank you for always allowing me tohave a place to live, food to eat, clothes to wear and people to tell me theylove me. Just … thank you.

As for your buddy 2012, I have an incredibly good feelingabout him! I say bring it on, come what may and love it & well, let’s rockand roll. I would say good riddance to you 2011 but, in all actuality, I mightmiss some of the things about you! However, I will say it will be nice to rollinto a new year; new experiences, new challenges, new friends, new lessons … aclean and fresh start on my goals and desires! I do believe the curse of “badyears” has been ended. Or, perhaps I have just changed my attitude andperspective on life.

So, without anything further … good bye, aduei, farewell,sayonara, so long and adios. And again, thank you.

Sincerely,
An incredibly grateful & stronger & smarter … Me.

2011-08-14T23:44:00.000-06:00

Wow ... have I really not updated this for 3 months!? I won't have any pictures to share (because I really haven't taken many) But, I will give you a run down of the months ...

May: I turned 26. Some friends and I went to P.F. Changs for dinner (one of my favs!!) Then, Kason and I went to Arizona for Daniel and Arielle's wedding. It was a whirlwind trip but it was SO good to be in Arizona ... I miss that place. We went to the wedding the day of and then the reception that night at Arielle's parents house. Then we drove down to Sierra Vista and I got to see all my friends from there ... that was nice. We went to the Open House there Saturday night and then headed home! See? Whirlwind! But, with me having a job now, I couldn't miss a ton of work. (I got a job teaching preschool/doing daycare up at a school in Salt Lake ... I love it!)

June: Is it horrible that I don't really remember what we did in June? I pretty much worked. I started dating a boy in June ... so probably between him, Kason and work ... I didn't have time for much else! Ha!

July: July Kason and I went to Idaho with Josh (the guy I'm dating) to be with his family for the 4th of July. That was a lot of fun. Kason also went to Arizona for a few weeks to be with my mom and then also with the Haban's ... after a little car mishap in Panguitch, I was able to pass Kason off to my mom and have some free-time -- It wasn't quite what I was expecting. It was nice, but it was weird. I guess I didn't realize how much I relied on Kason. I took two weeks off work while he was gone so I had LOTS of free time ... It was nice but, I missed him a lot! It was nice to have him home!

August: Mom flew up with Kason to come to Kirsten Lambson's wedding ... she got married in the Jordan River temple on August 5th to Ryan Merrill. So, she was here for a weekend while we did wedding/family stuff. Then just this weekend Dad was here for a family reunion! So we have had lots of family time lately and I have loved it! I feel so blessed to have the family I do!

Friday will be my two-year mark of when Kameron passed away -- so crazy to think it has been two years. I feel like I am a completely different person that I was two years ago! Crazy how time flies though. I also can't believe the summer is almost over, we didn't really get to enjoy much here in Utah, it came late and hasn't stayed for very long but, school starts soon and before you know it the leaves will be changing colors!

I told you that would be a super quick update. But, life is good. I feel blessed to have what I have and I am grateful for many things in my life!!

Run for it!!

2011-04-30T13:12:00.001-06:00

Earlier this year I got the crazy idea to train for a race ... and the even crazier idea to make my first run a half marathon!! I found one online and got to work training ... 6 days a week at the gym made me feel like I was married to the gym!! But, on April 16, 2011, I ran my first 1/2 marathon (the Salt Lake City Half!) and I LOVED it.

I was nervous going into it because I didn't really know what to expect or how well I would be able to handle it but I figured most of it would be a mental focus thing ... so, I talked myself up, prayed incredibly hard and headed to the start line! As we started running, I'm looking around at all these people about to run 13.1 miles and I'm thinking, "we're all crazy ... all of us! what are we thinking!?!"

But, I just kept running ... about mile 6 or 7, the Pandora on my phone decided to stop working, leaving me without any music for the second half of the run. That was awesome ... About mile 8, I hit a wall and just wanted to walk! But, I had a goal to not walk AT ALL the whole run so, I just kept telling myself if I could get to mile 10, I would be totally fine! And that was the case, by mile 10 you're thinking ... I only have 3.2 miles to go, I've got this. That is until you hit mile 12 which ... is UP HILL. That was a fun surprise! Here you've been running for 12 miles and then you get to go up hill! As I was running up the hill the first runner for the full marathon passed us, that was pretty impressive and gave me a boost!

Once I made it up the hill I had a mile left and it was mostly down hill so, I just pushed it and sprinted in for the finish. Once I crossed that finish line I couldn't believe I had actually done it but, I felt SO accomplished!! I had just ran 13.1 miles ... in 2 hours and 33 minutes. How many people in their lifetime can say that!? It was quite the experience. The next couple days my knees and back and hips hurt but, after the pain went away I realized I loved the feeling of running and accomplishing challenges (like running a half marathon!!) so, I've been looking for other races (10k & 1/2's mostly) and will run a few more this summer. It's just such a good feeling and I have never felt so healthy in my life!!

I love running and it is definitely my new addiction ... not to mention great therapy, it really clears my head!!

Here's a few pictures from the day. It was nice to have my dad here and see him and Kason on the side of the road every once in awhile cheering me on and then at the finish as I crossed the line. :)

Truckin' along!!! (prob around mile 7)


Sprinting to the finish line ...

Just finished!!!

Kason thinks my medal is pretty darn cool ... I don't blame him!

Easy Detour?

2011-02-23T15:55:00.000-07:00

Today, me and some friends took our kids to the zoo. It was "free day" and the weather was decent (mid-40s!!). We were all doing good until it was bathroom break time. Sometimes, Kason does totally fine going in the girls bathroom but other times ... he throws the biggest fit and says he HAS to go in the boys.

Well, today was the day he chose to throw a fit. I'm talking, screaming, yelling, hitting, crying ... all outside the bathroom. I told him, "Kason there is no dad here to take you in there, so either you go in the girl's bathroom or you don't go at all! I can't let you go in the boy's bathroom by yourself. I'm sorry."

He didn't care. The tantrum continued for a good 5 minutes before I finally had to get up, walk away and turn my back on Kason. Then, I just started bawling. I was more frustrated than anything ... I have been dealing with Kason attitude since he turned 4, and it's exhausting. But, at the same time, I also get so emotionally exhausted always saying, "there's no dad ...", "your dad isn't here ...", "yes, their dad will be there, but not yours ..."

Nobody ever warned me that being a single (widowed) mom would be this frustrating/exhausting/draining/stressful ... So, I just stood there and cried at the zoo. My poor friends got to see a case of the "widow emotions" which more often than not, aren't very pleasant and aren't easy to turn off!!!

Finally, one of the girls just hollered into the men's bathroom and since there was nobody in there, she had Kason go in and use it. (battle lost ... but, oh well)

Sometimes, I wonder where the detour for 'Easy Street' is ... I can't even imagine doing this with more than one kid. I would be even more a nutcase!

Guess Who is 4!!?

2011-02-11T08:30:00.001-07:00

This little man ...

And he is crazy as ever.

Sometimes I wonder if the little man can ever sit still -- then he'll come and cuddle me for 30 minutes a prove that he can.

It's hard to believe that 4 years ago he joined our family.

I have a FOUR year old!!

Anyway -- Kason makes me happy, insane, inpatient, laugh, scream, smile, learn ... and so much more. Mostly, I'm just grateful he's mine and for everything he helps me through and teaches me.

Love you, Kason!! And HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

Proud Moments ...

2011-01-31T11:22:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, Kason got to do the "theme" in Primary (I still can't believe I have a Sunbeam!) so, I stuck around to watch him do that. It was super cute to watch him stand at the podium and repeat the theme. He did a great job!

Before Primary started though, I had the Primary President come up to me and told me, "Kason's teacher is so impressed with him. She said that as they talk about things, Joseph Smith, Nephi, the Prophets ... it's not new to Kason. He knows all the answers and all the stories. She's just very impressed with how smart of a boy he is. So, good job, Mom!"

As a single mom, most of the time not knowing what I'm doing, I almost stood in the Primary Room and cried! I was so proud of my little man and that he can impress the teachers. He really is a smart little boy but, it makes me proud, as his mom, to have other people tell me that.

Aside from church stuff the kid is always impressing me ... He knows all of his numbers and letters and can write his name. And the other day we were walking up to the grocery store and he sounded out "food" on the side of the building. I kind of looked at him in shock but, still very impressed that the kid just read 'food'!

He's a stud and such a good kid ... I'm pretty much lucky to be his mom! (Even on the days that I'm ready for bed at 5:30!!)

Mind your Mother!!

2011-01-10T13:12:00.001-07:00

Last night we were helping a friend get moved in and Kason walked up to me and had a penny in his mouth. I told him, "If you swallow that - you're gonna die! Take it out of your mouth!" (this is a common thing around our house ...). He took it out and walked away.

I kid you not, 3 minutes later, Kason walks back up to me with PANIC on his face. I ask him what's wrong ... he says, "I swallowed it!!!" followed by panicked tears.

I had to suppress my laughter and ask him, "Where IS the penny? Is it in your throat?"

With tears streaming down his face he pointed to his tummy. Okay, we were good - he wasn't going to choke on it and die. I relaxed and picked him up.

"Kason ... you're not going to die. The penny is already in your tummy. You'll be just fine. I promise."

He took awhile to believe me and to really understand that he wasn't going to die from swallowing a penny! I felt horrible but at the same time, I was laughing so hard about it! I never actually thought he would swallow the penny and I would be sitting there eating my words!

I'm hoping this puts an end to money going in that little boys mouth!!

Today ...

2011-01-09T11:57:00.000-07:00

I am feeling ...

Grateful

I sit here and read back over everything I went through in 2009 and I realize that my life was turned UPSIDE DOWN at that time. During the actual trial I don't think I realized how upside down it really was because, well, I was in survival mode. I did whatever it took to make it through each day, and sometimes, each hour. I read back now, and I wonder how I ever did it. How did I survive the roller coaster of the hospital? or the emotional exhaustion that came along with it?

Then I continue to read and I realize, I survived because of the blessings Heavenly Father gave me at that time ... a bed to sleep in, a wonderful son to make me smile, amazing friends to hold me up and support me, and wonderful family to guide me through everything. Yes, at the time, I was very grateful for these blessings but, now, I am even more grateful and appreciative of these blessings.

To steal from my own facebook page ... "when you get right down to it, each and every one of us, regardless of our current situations in life, is very, very, very blessed. Heavenly Father will never leave us with out the blessings we deserve. However, it is entirely up to US to recognize the blessings placed in front of us. As I sit here and think about my husband passing away, or being a single mom, or struggling through certain periods of life, I realize that all along, I have had EXACTLY what I needed at that time. As I read back through what I went through... in 2009, I was INCREDIBLY blessed to have people standing by my side who love me very very much and they supported me through 6 weeks of hell in the ICU, they supported me through the death of my husband and they supported me through the aftermath of his passing. So, yes, life isn't easy, and life is challenging as HECK ... but if you EVER think that Heavenly Father leaves you stranded - you had better think again. He gives you just what you need - but do YOU recognize it?"

I think that too often, we are left wondering why we're left standing alone during a trial. In reality, we need to look right in front of us and realize that we HAVE the blessings we need to make it through a difficult time. Are we too stubborn to recognize them? Are we too blind to accept that they are our blessings? Perhaps the blessings come in a way that we weren't expecting and we let them pass us by without acknowledgment.

Yes, life is challenging. Life is HARD. Life is exhausting. But, look around you and realize that there is SO much to be grateful for. It can all be taken away from you in a split second, so why not live for today ... enjoy this very moment ... recognize the good around you ... be grateful for what you have, regardless of whether is easy or hard ... and thank our Heavenly Father for the life he has given you.

Life is short, why not make the best of it.

Be grateful.

Be happy.

Recognize your blessings.

2011-01-01T09:25:00.001-07:00

(collage can be clicked on to be seen larger ...)

Kason turned 3 ... Michael Buble concert ... Brian Regan ... Cabo cruise ... made lots of new friends ... hiked all over Utah ... trip to Arizona in May ... BYU vs. Utah game ... Denver trip ... Lupus walk ... 4th of July ... day at Lagoon ... Davies family reunion ... drive-in movies ... viper races ... trip to California and Sea World ... trip to Arizona ... YEAR MARK ... Halloween ... meeting Neon Trees ... Nickelback concert ... Temple Christmas lights ... meeting the Grinch ... and so so so much more that made our year full of fun and new experiences!

Welcome 2011!

Dear 2010,

2010-12-31T01:48:00.001-07:00

Have you ever heard the saying that bad things come in three’s? I have heard it time and time again, and in all honesty, I’m hoping that it’s true. Because the last three years, have been some of the hardest of my life, and if that statement holds true, then this past year SHOULD be the last of my challenging years. That’s not to say I won’t still have hard times, but it seems as if I have been on an insane roller coaster since the beginning of 2008 and well, guess what? I am SO ready to get off that roller coaster. I’m ready for solid ground, for things to make sense and to not feel dizzy all the time.

I remember at the beginning of 2010 I was so excited for what was to come. I thought I would learn and grow a lot during this year. I was ready for new changes in life, meeting new people, working towards the type of person I knew I wanted to be. But, as I look back over 2010, I’m not proud. Yes, I have proud moments … but, for the most part, I’m not happy with how I handled you, 2010.

During this year, I messed up a lot. I made choices I was not proud of at all. Unfortunately, given the chance, I would probably make those same mistakes. Have I not learned the things you have tried to teach me, 2010? I have realized how stubborn I really am and it worries me that lessons will need to be attempted multiple times before I truly realize the importance of them. There are times over the past 12 months that I am embarrassed of the type of mother I was, or in reality, the lack thereof. It has only been in the last few months of this year that I have truly come to love and appreciate the blessing my son is in my life. I am also embarrassed to look back and see the type of friend I was. I made new friends, lost friends, became best friends and destroyed friendships. At the same time, I know I would not have made it through the past year without my loyal friends by my side. I have lost touch with the gospel and reconnected with it, as I realized how hard life was without it. I have failed many people, hopefully helped some people and unfortunately, fallen short in my expectations for myself.

Over the past 12 months, I have fallen in love, I have fallen out of love, I have watched as friends have fallen in love and gotten married, I have dated some serious weirdos, I have learned from my relationships, I have realized how important it is to date GOOD men, I have understood the importance of having the Spirit with me at ALL times during ALL situations, I have understood the need to have wonderful, faithful friends. One of the most challenging parts of 2010, is the loneliness I had to endure. There were nights where I would sit at home, and cry because of the pain of being alone. There were other nights where I would sit at home and stew in frustration over being a single mom. Things have not been easy and realizing the reality of my new life, has been a challenge for me.

I do not want you to think that you were all bad … I had some amazing vacations, some amazing memories, made some INCREDIBLE friends and met some wonderful people. I reached one of my biggest accomplishments this year, it may seem futile to you, but I hit the “year mark” of being a widow. I was so afraid of that date, but when I reached it, I knew I had done everything alone, once. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries – I had done them all. I was so proud. I was able to do some serious self-analysis this year, all in good ways, it helped me learn and grow and realize what I needed to change about myself to become a better person. Some of the people I have met this year, have helped shape and mold me into who I know I need to be. I am grateful for that. I am thankful to live near family. I am so glad that I live in Utah, surrounded by some of the best people I know, while at the same time, feeling homesick for Arizona where another group of amazing people live. I have felt so much love and support this year, regardless of my current situation.

So … yes, 2010, you were rough and you sure made me learn some lessons in very challenging ways! But, without you, I would not be looking back over the past year giving myself a pep-talk that I WILL do better in 2011. I will learn the lessons I need to learn, I will do it with my head held high and I will make 2011 a happier year, a year filled with better accomplishments, more pride, and greater personal fulfillment. I want to be able to stand here, 365 days from now and be completely proud of myself. That is what you taught me 2010 … it does not matter what you have done in the past, the best thing you can do for yourself is learn from your past and then look forward and make your future better than your past. Thank you for that lesson, 2010. Now, with all due respect, good riddance to you and may the promise of the ‘bad things in 3’s’ be true!!

Sincerely,

Older-Wiser-More Determined … Me!

Life is Tiring ... no, EXHAUSTING.

2010-09-20T01:16:00.000-06:00

Remember when this blog used to be fun and I would post pictures and all sorts of cool things we were doing? Man, those days sure seem to be long gone. Kason and I still do those things ... I just don't make the time to post about them.

Now it seems that this blog is turning into a journal of my thoughts, things I'm going through, the life I'M living.

And tonight?

I'm missing Kameron.
I've been missing him bad for the last 4 days. I haven't cried this much in months. In fact, I've cried everyday, at the drop of a hat, since Thursday. And I'm not sure why. What makes right now different? What makes these past four days harder than the ones before?

I haven't the slightest idea.

I'm trying to figure it out, sort out my emotions, determine why I'm feeling this way.

I feel SO alone. I haven't felt this alone since the few weeks following his death. I have these urges to constantly be talking to someone just so I won't feel alone. Any opportunity I have to be with people, I'm there, because I can't stand to be alone. I won't drop Kason off anywhere, if I can avoid it, because I need him with me. But at the same time, I feel like I've been a horrible mom to him for no reason at all.

Tonight, as I read through my blog posts of a year ago, of the weeks leading up to Kam's death and the weeks following his death. The posts of the things I wish I had done differently and the things I love about Kameron ... I sat here and cried. Then I thought to myself: "Will I ever be able to find someone who loved me as much as Kameron?"

That ... is why I'm feeling this way.

I am tired of being alone.

I'm tired of being a single mom and doing it all by myself.
I'm tired of worrying about things alone.

I'm tired of not having someone to watch my sports games with or my tv shows with.

I'm tired of not having someone to cuddle up with me on the couch.

I'm tired of not having someone to cook for.

I'm tired of coming home to an empty house and waking up in an empty house.

I'm tired of not having that "constant".

I'm tired ... no, I'm exhausted by it all.

As I was sitting here tonight crying and thinking about all of this and trying to figure out how I'm supposed to work through this, my thoughts turned to Primary today. Sister Thurgood talked about prayer. I remembered her saying how no matter what our prayers are heard and answered and no matter when or where we could pray.

I've heard that since before I was in nursery, I'm sure.

I've been told the same principle over and over and over again for the last 25 years. And yet, sometimes, the principle falls from my grasp and I forget about it. I forget how simple it is to ASK for help. Sure, I pray all day about the things I'm grateful for but sometimes, it takes a LOT to humble ourselves enough to ASK for help.

Why is this such a challenging thing for me?! Why can't I just get on my knees, ask for help and then follow through by doing my part?

I think part of it ... is lack of faith. I fear what my answers to things will be. And because I'm fearing them ... I am not having enough faith. Another part of it? Is sometimes I don't feel worthy enough to be praying to Him.

Silly, silly, girl! How can I think that?! I forget what He did for us. I forget that He promised He would always be there for us, regardless of our lives and our situations and our "unworthiness"....

He doesn't ever walk away.
WE are the ones that walk away, turn the lights off and close the door.

WE make the decision to do that.

Never, ever, is it Him.

And up until tonight? I had been the one who betrayed Him. Who walked away from Him and had forgotten the support He is.

So, yes I am exhausted by being alone and doing this all alone. But at the same time ... am I really alone? Of course not ... and I need to be a million times better about remembering that. I don't ever have to worry about being alone ... I just need to worry about remembering promises I've been given. And I need to be willing to never give up. By doing that, the only one who has won is Satan.

May tomorrow be better than today.

May we always remember what has been promised us.

May we live up to our expectations from Him.

And may we always do our personal best!

: )

6 years ago ...

2010-06-24T23:33:00.000-06:00

tonight I was eating Bahama Bucks in Mesa, Arizona with Kameron, Mason and my bridesmaids. I was giggling with my girls about the fact that I was getting married in the morning. I was worried about getting married. I couldn't believe it was actually happening.

Tomorrow is our 6th anniversary. And never in a million-trillion years would I have imagined that I would be spending my 6th wedding anniversary as a single mom and with my hubby in heaven.

Never.

But, I'm doing it. And it's going to come whether I want it to or not. I thought it might be an okay day, but tonight I'm getting emotional about it. I don't want to do it alone. I don't want to face the emotions without someone by my side. And right now, I don't have anyone lined up. And that scares me.

(I lied ... I did have someone lined up but they got called into work for tomorrow. perfect)

So, I'm sitting here, watching Cold Case, which is a show that Kameron and I loved to watch together and I'm thinking about my life. I never would have chosen this for me. And it doesn't seem fair that I had to research headstones today. I wouldn't have expected to be strong enough to go through something like this.

Life isn't fair sometimes. We are dealt things that seem too extreme to handle.

But, you know what?

It's always going to be better in the end. We may have rough days (anniversary's alone, year marks, whatever they may be) but, the next day, or maybe the day after that, will be better. It's up to US to find the sunshine in our days.

So, yes tomorrow is my 6th anniversary. And yes, I am having to do it somewhat alone. But, when I look at who I am now, I'm glad I'm doing this anniversary alone. Heavenly Father needs me to do this anniversary alone and He needs me to become someone. I can't become that someone without going through the trials that have been laid out for me in my life.

Honestly ... I hope I survive tomorrow. I'm sure I will but, not without some tears shed. It's weird looking back over the past 6 years and seeing how things have changed. How I have changed. I have the coolest little boy that I am so grateful for that I wouldn't have gotten had I not chosen to get married 6 years ago.

My life is hard. But, when I sit down and really think about it ... I'm incredibly blessed and I love my life.

So, here's to 6 years of being married and for 10 months of being single.

How's that for a weird sentence?

***

I really do have every intention of getting this blog up to date ... it's just so time consuming and I don't make the time to do it. Soon, I hope.

Also, thanks for letting me just get that out. It was very much needed.

Grateful ...

2010-05-23T14:04:00.002-06:00

Today, I almost didn't go to church. I was dragging my feet in getting ready. I was hoping my son would sleep in really late so I would have an excuse to not go. I was tired, I wasn't in the mood to wrangle a 3 year old during sacrament & I was just wishing I could have a lazy day at home. But, I grudgingly got ready for church, Kason woke up in time to get to church and off we went. Albeit, we were late to Sacrament but, at least we were there.

Once Sunday School started Sister Schofield said we would be talking about how to prepare our homes and families for returning to the Lord. I thought, "I LOVE lessons like this - learning from the Israelites how I can be a better person." It really made me think about what I need to do in my home, or improve in my home so that the Spirit really can reside there. And it made me question how I'm living my life ... Am I really centering my life around Christ? Or could I be doing better? I've been wondering for a little while if I need to find a new circle of friends. I love my friends but, some of them have some qualities that I just don't enjoy being around. I always get uncomfortable when certain topics, they enjoy talking about, come up. I now know what it's like to be the girl in those Young Women stories they always tell ... the little Molly Mormon in an uncomfortable situation. And I'm ashamed to say, that I haven't always reacted the way that I should. And I hate that I've done that ... but after today's lesson ~ I have a new resolve to be the person I know that I really am and not conform to what society wants or what my group of friends want.

As Relief Society sisters started filing in for class, a girl named Jen came and sat next to me. Her husband was just diagnosed with MS in December and they have been having a REALLY rough go with it. His health is declining quickly and she is having to pick up all the slack for their family. As I learned of what she was going through I couldn't help but relate to what she is dealing with. My heart breaks for her and I completely empathize with her life struggles right now. I had been kind of distant from her because I just didn't know what to say. I had so much going on inside my head that I wanted to come out but, I didn't know how to say it. She had been on my mind so much these past few days and every time I drove passed her house I thought, I really need to check on her. And I had yet to do anything about those promptings.

Well, the Relief Society lesson today was on service & our stewardship. I was constantly being reminded of the sweet acts of service that had been done for me over the past few years. And I shared a quote that has become one of my motto's in life: "Those with true love, have windows in their lives, not mirrors." (President Brent L. Top) ... and I love that because as we focus on other outside of our home, everything else falls into place. We have more time for our lives and more time to focus on the important things.

Well, after the lesson I leaned over the Jen and I said, "I'm not just saying this because of the lesson we just had...but, I want to check on you. I have been thinking about you so much this past week and what your going through and it all just sucks. There's no other way to put it. And if you ever EVER need anything ... PLEASE don't hesitate to call me."

She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "Thank you." She had this look in her eyes that I remember seeing SO many times in my own reflection. Desperate for help, exhausted from the trials, frustrated with the path. I knew it all too well.

I turned to her and with tears in my eyes told her that I can understand the trials. I can empathize with the trials in her life. I wanted her to know that I was there for her, regardless of when it was. We sat and both cried. As I hugged her she whispered in my ear ... "Thank you so much." And right then, I hoped and prayed that she could feel of my love for her. No daughter of God should EVER have to feel alone and lost during a trial and I, again, hope and pray that she never has those feelings. I wanted her to know that I was there, I understood and I get that it sucks dealing with a grouchy husband and a complete lifestyle change.

As I walked out of church today I felt amazing. I felt as if all life's drama was gone, I felt as if I had no trials, no worries, no struggles. I was incredibly grateful I decided to roll out of bed today. I was reminded that the Lord is watching out for me and sending me subtle hints on how to improve my self and my life. He wants me to succeed, He wants me to be shaped and molded in to a certain person and He is willing to be patient and understanding as I figure that out. I am so grateful for the blessing of promptings and guidance as I live my life. I am SO incredibly grateful that I have been blessed with the Gift of the Holy Ghost to guide me down the straight and narrow and to direct back to that path as I sometimes wander off.

Today, I am especially grateful that I decided to go to Relief Society. That I choose to sit where I did and that Jen decided to sit next to me. I am grateful I got the courage to talk to her and say what had really been on my mind and just let her know that I am there for her. My institute teacher said on multiple occasions: Nothing is ever a coincidence. Everything in life happens for a reason. And I truly believe that. Every aspect of our lives are guided and directed by our Heavenly Father. And I am eternally grateful for that because you know what? I wouldn't want ANYONE else guiding my life. As I turn my life to Him, I will be given the best opportunities for growth, the best chances at learning and the most amazing experiences in life. It's all a matter of choice and if we choose to turn our lives to our Heavenly Father and say to Him, "make me who YOU need me to be." ... we will become incredible people and you will be able to see His hand in your life each day. All you have to do is look for it.

This is what I'm excited about ...

2010-04-05T17:14:00.000-06:00

Today is OPENING DAY for Major League Baseball.
I'm sporting my Diamondbacks Sedona Red ... and I'm so excited.
I absolutely love baseball and I think I love it even more this year because Kameron was such a big fan (hmmm...maybe it will do the Dbacks good to have a huge fan on the other side to help 'em out.)
It is SO much fun to have baseball on my tv again. I honestly have been in the best mood today because it's the first game of the season. It's also making me somewhat homesick to be in Arizona. But, I'll get to atleast a few games this season so I can look forward to that. I'm just thrilled it's baseball season.

On Saturday ... I'm going on a cruise. I cannot WAIT.
Me and my good friend, April, are going together.
We are leaving from San Diego and will be going to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.
I'm really super excited. I'm a little nervous because honestly, the ocean scares me.
BUT - I am excited to just relax and have fun for 5 days. I cannot WAIT! In Cabo we will do a city tour (and shopping and yummy food) and then the next day we're doing ziplining and repelling. I've got SO much work to do to get ready but Saturday can't come soon enough!

I cannot WAIT to take my final and have a break from school. I've loved being in school but, I've got some serious spring fever. I'm actually really going to miss going to institute every week. But, it's been a good semester, I'm just ready for a little break.

Summer. Enough said.

Walk for Lupus

2010-03-31T11:13:00.000-06:00

Can I advertise for just a moment?

Great.

On May 1, 2010 - we will be participating in the Walk for Lupus in Salt Lake City. We will be walking in memory of my husband.

Registration is just $35. You get goodies.

I would LOVE to have as many people that are able, join us for the walk on May 1. I think it would be awesome to have a huge group.

Now, if you don't live in Utah, you can still be part of our team as a "virtual walker". You still get goodies.

Then ... if you don't want the goodies - you can just donate.

Here's the info ...

You can donate AND join the team all from THIS LINK
(please let me know if you have any questions)

Thank you in advance. I really appreciate all the love & support!

Cougs vs. Utes

2010-03-30T13:48:00.000-06:00

I got an email about the BYU vs. Utah basketball game and I really wanted to go! So, I texted my cousin Kirsti (who goes to BYU) and asked her if she wanted to go with me. Of course she said yes and I bought tickets for her to go with me and Kason.

It was a really fun night. I was a little nervous about wearing my Cougar blue on Utah Campus but we survived without any harm caused. The best part is that BYU beat Utah by 20 points in that game! It was awesome ... I love rivalries!

Kason, Me & Kirsti

Me and Kason

Kason with Kirsti:

Kason enjoying the game. He was so funny ... he would cheer so loud for the Cougars. He loved it.

Great final score ...

Hiking ...

2010-03-29T13:35:00.000-06:00

There was one Saturday where the weather was pretty decent and I was wanting to just get out of the house. As soon as Kason woke up from him nap we headed out to find a place to hike. I decided to start at the base of a mountain pretty close to our house. Kason was in a horrible mood and he didn't want anything to do with hiking so I ended up carrying him most of the way but, it was still fun. It was such a beautiful view up there. And it was nice to get out of the house and do something active.

This was his attitude uh ... pretty much the whole time:

So proud ...

2010-03-28T14:58:00.001-06:00

I love little conversations I have with Kason. They just make me so happy and proud of him! Today as we were walking out of church I asked Kason, "Did you have fun in nursery?"

"Yep!"

"What did you guys talk about today?"

"We talked about Jesus." (this is usually the answer I get every week)

"Oh really? What else did you learn about?"

"That the lady was sad."

"And why was the lady sad?"

"Because Jesus died."

"And then what happened after he died?"

"He came alive again Mom!" And he was SO excited about that!

Ohhh, I love that boy so much. I am amazed at how quickly he learns, and remembers, the things that are taught to him. He is an amazing kid and I am blessed to have him and call him my own. I hope I do a good enough job raising him, that our Heavenly Father will be proud of my work and service as a mother.

***

On another Spiritual note, just a little something I've been wanting to share ... a few weeks back Kason and I went to Salt Lake and went to temple square with a group of friends. We had walked around the grounds for a little while and then we ended up in the Joseph Smith Memorial Building. We were all kind of standing around visiting, letting people who had never been there before explore. I had a moment where I didn't have Kason following me around and I walked over to the statue of the Prophet Joseph Smith.

(For those non-members of the Latter-Day Saint faith, Joseph Smith is the first prophet of these times. He is the prophet who restored the gospel on the earth and translated the Book of Mormon. He is a very influential person in our church and there is much to be learned from him and from the type of person he was.)

I walk up to this statue and I am hit with this knowledge and this truth that Joseph Smith truly was, and continues to be, a prophet of the Lord. I knew at that moment without a doubt in my mind that Joseph Smith was an amazing man and he was put on this earth on the Lord's errand. Joseph Smith fulfilled that and we are able to learn from him. I stood there and I looked at this statue thinking ... What a perfect symbol of Joseph Smith. This is a tall, strong statue and it puts off a sense of pride and power and knowledge. Those are all things I think of when I think of Joseph Smith. He is such an important piece of our church's history and I think that they did so right in building such a strong statue - built of solid stone. I was so amazed that I could have such a strong witness of a man while standing in front of a statue representing him. Since that night I have had a stronger love for Joseph Smith and a stronger understanding of what he did for our church and the sacrifices he made, day in and day out.

I am a member of the most amazing church and I am grateful for the blessings because of it.

Idaho ...

2010-03-28T13:17:00.000-06:00

In February I went to Idaho to visit my good friend April. She was supposed to be moving into her house the weekend I was there but, her move in date got pushed back a week. So, I missed that. But, I still got to hang out with her and spend time with her. It was a good little getaway. I had never been to Idaho before so, it was fun to go up there.

One night we went into Boise and went to the mall and we saw this super sweet car. We just had to get a picture by it!!

And we got to meet up with a girl I'd only been friends with online. We used to be in a Mormon Moms group online and had become really good friends from that. So, when I knew I was going to be like 15 minutes from her - I HAD to jump at the chance to meet her!! She is so cute and amazing and has since had that cute lil baby in her tummy!

Kason and her little girl having a blast. They played so good together!!

Football in the mall ...

Kason was so mad when I told him they were leaving ...

The kiddos (probably the best shot of them all...)

Us with the Ponds:

Kason's Boys

2010-03-27T13:04:00.000-06:00

We have some good friends here, the Ostler's, that we do a lot of stuff with. Kason gets along great with the boys (and he calls them, "my boys") and me and Kristin have tons of fun together. I'm grateful to have found such great friends here.

Back in February we went to the circus with them and we also went to a Valentine's thing at the college where the kids got to decorate cookies and make Valentine's cards. I love living here where there are ALWAYS things going on!

At the Circus:

Valentine's Day:

Cookies!

Yum ...

Craft time ...

Playing with Camden ...

Kason's Birthday!!

2010-03-26T12:49:00.000-06:00

Kason turned 3 on February 11. For his birthday we went to Pirate Island for a YUMMY dinner with friends and cousin Kirsti. It was a lot of fun. Pirate Island is a restaurant kind of like Chuck-e-Cheese but it's way cooler. We love it. The food is delicious and the kids stay entertained the whole time! And Kason got a dish of ice cream and a pirate happy birthday. We got a box of some of the most delicious cupcakes EVER ... it was an awesome night.

The birthday boy ... I still can't believe he is 3!

The boys playing ...

He shoots ... he SCORES

Kason's boys ...

Me and the birthday boy:

This is the whole group ... with our pirate waiter:

AZ in UT!

2010-03-25T12:31:00.001-06:00

Back in January the Phoenix Suns were playing the Utah Jazz. I HAD to go! Me and my friend April bought tickets and I ended up taking a date while she brought her cousin. We had a BLAST. It was so fun to be a Suns fan in the Jazz arena. The Suns ended up losing but, it was still worth it.

Warm-ups:

This is when they were still winning:

The Girls, (Me, April, Joy):

April & Joy:

With my date ... a HUGE Jazz fan ...

And ... since the Suns lost - I had to wear a Jazz jersey. I felt like a traitor. But it was fun. Jazz fans walking by were loving it. Suns fans walking past were booing & the walk of shame through the halls of the arena was embarrassing.

I couldn't do it for long ... I had to show my love for the Suns:

It was a blast. We had a really fun night and woke up with no voices the next morning.

Ramblings ...

2010-03-25T00:39:00.001-06:00

Life is good.

It really is. I am incredibly happy and have found so much joy in my new life.

Kason has been awesome lately. Just a really amazing kid. There was one day earlier this week where I was dead to the world sick. I honestly laid on the couch all day and slept. Kason totally took care of himself. He found food to eat, got juice/milk for himself, got dressed for the day, entertained himself, and picked up his toys when he was done, all the while checking on me and seeing if I needed anything. It was awesome. He's little Mr. Independent and so sweet. I am getting excited for him to start preschool - he is going to love it. He is so good at making friends that it will be fun to see him in that setting.

I am doing good. Trying to prioritize my life and realize what really is important.

I am thinking about changing my major. I was doing Elementary Education but the more and more I got into that major - I realized how demanding of a course it really is and how demanding and stressful of a career it is. Working 90 hours a week and only getting paid for 30 (ok ... maybe that's exaggerating) but still! I just honestly don't know if I'm cut out for that. SO ... I have really been enjoying my Health Education class and I've been looking at the Community Health Education major and I am really intrigued by it. I need to meet with the adviser and figure things out for that major. I got excited today when I checked online and realized I'm a Junior in college because of how many credits I have ... that's cool.

I've also been looking in to working for a company called CIEE. They place foreign exchange students with host families. The pay is good and the perks are exciting (free trips!) - the work is all done on my time. There are things that can make it stressful at times but, I am thinking it would be a good way to really build my savings and have that added cushion that I want. School is getting expensive since I'm still considered out-of-state. Anyways ... I met with the Regional Director tonight and got to talk about it. It's a good opportunity - just not something I know if I can handle with everything else going on. I don't want to overfill my plate and not be able to give 100% to everything.

I was given another calling at church. So, now I'm on the Activities Committee AND the Relief Society Activity Committee. It's fun but, BUSY. Especially when an activity for both things falls in the same month. Things always get done but, it can get stressful for a bit!

I can't believe it's almost April - it seems like I was just dreading February and now we're getting ready to start April. Weird. Time goes so fast lately. I am slowly inching towards my 25th birthday and I am dreading it. I don't want to get older. Maybe part of it is really the fact that I don't want to spend it alone. Once May hits it's going to be a hard few months; my birthday (may), our anniversary (june), Kam's birthday (july), and the one year mark (august). WOW ... can you believe I'm on THAT end of the year? weird.

Anyways ... we really are doing well. People ask how I really am doing and I can honestly say I am incredibly happy and filled with joy. It's a true joy that I have learned is not always an easy thing to have. I still have my days where things are difficult and anything can trigger the rough times but, for the most part ...

Life is good.

Farewell Kar!

2010-03-24T12:14:00.003-06:00

So this post is kind of ironic ... my cousin, Kar, went to Austria to be a nanny back in January. We had a farewell dinner for her at Pizza Factory with the whole family. Well ... she gets home tomorrow. Awesome.

Better late than never, right?

Amy looks THRILLED to be there ... doesn't she?

Austin ...

Cameron, Kason, Kar:

Kar with Kyle:

Kason trying to escape! haha

Us with Kar ... Kason was mad that we were leaving. Poor kid.

We are excited to have Kar back in the states but glad she got to have a good experience in Europe!

Snow!!!

2010-03-23T12:13:00.000-06:00

Back in December (yes ... 3 months ago) we got SNOW! (shocker with us living in Utah and all) We were still thinking snow was a novelty so, we met up with a family in our ward and went sledding. Kason had a blast for about 30 minutes and then he was too cold so we went and drank some hot cocoa. That was fine with me ... I'm not a huge lover of the snow.

I am glad that NOW ... the snow season is mostly in the past. I'm ready for some heat.

Thanks Meline's for playing in the snow! We had a blast!

Awesome.

2010-03-14T13:22:00.000-06:00

Today I am sitting in the Relief Society room waiting for class to start and Kason's nursery leader comes in, taps me on the shoulder & says, "We need you in nursery." She didn't have Kason with her so I knew it wasn't just a diaper change. I started freaking out wondering what was going on.

So, I get in there and Kason is playing nicely with a group of kids and a teacher. Hmmm...ok. Kason is fine.

Well, I go to talk to his teacher and she tells me.

"Kason bit Golden and it drew blood."

"What?!"

I got a huge knot in my stomach. I couldn't believe Kason did that. Kason hasn't ever really been a biter - he usually hits when he's frustrated. I just stood their shocked. I didn't really know what to say.

So I told them I was really sorry. I said we would talk about not biting. And they were totally understanding ... I was just humiliated that my kid had done this. I felt HORRIBLE for Golden.

I pulled Kason aside and asked him about what happened and told him that he didn't choose the right and that he should have used his words.

I get back into Relief Society and apologize over and over to Golden's mom. Thankfully - Kason chose the right kid to bite because Golden's parents are the most soft spoken, kindest people ever. She reassured me everything was fine and not to worry. I even went up to her after class and apologize again.

I just can't believe I have the class bully. Let's hope we can correct this behavior or it's going to be a LONG school career for both of us!

Sweet Boy

2010-03-09T22:14:00.000-07:00

I just had to share this: Tonight we were saying prayers and as Kason started I asked him what he was thankful for ... he went on to give the sweetest prayer! He said: "Thank you for our house, Thank you for Camden & Ethan (his buddies), Thank you for Jesus, Thank you for Buzzlightyear, Thank you for the Prophet, Thank you for Lightning McQueen, Thank you for Dad, Thank you for Mom." ... I seriously love that kid. He is adorable and makes me smile everyday.

The other night we were at Temple Square in Salt Lake and one of the older Sister Missionaries that was there came up and said hi to all the kids. Kason looks at her and says, "Hi, this is my mom, Jami." ... He makes me laugh.

What would we do without our kids?!

Mi Casa today...

2010-03-01T11:32:00.000-07:00

I moved here in November and people have been asking to see pictures ever since we moved in. So, today is your lucky day!!

This is my house how it is today ...

When you first walk down the stairs:

To the left, to the left (to the right, to the right, now kick, now kick! ... ok, dance song, sorry)

Left again!

Now turn around ... and ... the kitchen!

down the hall, first door on your right ...

and second door on your right ...

Then, you keep going down the hall and you have my room and Kason's room.
Those are going to have to wait. Kason's room is TRASHED and I'm in the process of actually unpacking my room.

In time my dears. In time.

I love my house. It makes me happy. The only thing I DON'T like is being a basement dweller with a really noisy family above us. But, we live.

2010-02-26T09:31:00.000-07:00

The other day we are getting ready to go to the gym and I tell Kason, "if you're really good at the gym and go in without crying - then I'll let you play with the iPod touch on the way home."

Kason got all defensive and says, "Mom, you need to be nice. I'm going to call someone."

So, he picks up his play phone and calls - Grandma.

He says, "Grandma, mom isn't being very nice. If she's not nice, can you spank her bottom?"

I about DIED laughing.

So, Kason picks up his phone again and says, "Grandma, now mom is just laughing at me."

Ahhh, this kid. He sure keeps me laughing.

***

In other news ... I believe Kason has pink eye. He woke up with the goopiness Wednesday night so, I called the doctor's office Thursday morning and they called in the eye drops. But as of this morning - it doesn't look like he has pink eye anymore ... does it really go away that quick? I don't remember ever having it and this was Kason's first ...

I am SOOO ready for spring. We got a bit of snow the last couple of days and I'm pretty much done with the cold and the snow and the wet. I'm ready to pull out my shorts and flip flops - that will be heaven. I know I've still got sometime to go so I'm trying to be patient.

I've LOVED watching the Olympics. I get sad when they're over because I love cheering on the USA! We are quite the talented country, aren't we??

Anyways - posts with actual PICTURES hopefully coming soon. Until then ... have a GREAT weekend!

Our Noble Birthright

2010-02-25T02:56:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about this a lot today because we talked about it in institute. And I'm sorry to turn my family blog into a sermon every time I post (and I really do promise I have pictures to post SOON.) But, today in institute, my teacher, Brother Peterson, talked to us about our birthrights. I'd always thought these were our lineage and the things promised to us, or back in the times of the Old Testament when the eldest (or whomever Heavenly Father chose, really) was given the "birthright" of the family.

Well, today we talked about how EACH of us are birthright children of Heavenly Father. And I loved it. It made me realize that I need to strive to do better and BE better everyday. Heavenly Father has promised us things IF we live righteously on earth.

We live in a world where Satan is constantly trying to win us over. He has his army attacking families and individuals with media, stress, morality issues ... the list goes on and on. He is willing to do whatever it takes to get us to join his ranks - he stops at nothing and he has no shame.

Now, think about the story of Esau and his twin brother Jacob ... Esau came to Jacob and asked him for some "mess pottage". Jacob was only willing to give Esau the pottage if he gave up his birthright. Esau agrees, gives up his birthright and enjoys the pottage ... just like that. How often are we Esau's? How often do we forget the birthright that we have and how quickly are we willing to give it up for a quick moment of enjoyment or pleasure?

I was talking with a friend about this tonight and he said that there is never anything worth giving up our birthright for - it doesn't matter if it's 5 minutes or 5 years of pleasure. Nothing is worth the guilt or the humiliation that one wrong choice would cause.

A lot of the time Satan will make us rationalize the choices we are making. I know I have been there. I sit and think ... well, it's not really THAT bad and if I only do it once ... well, guess what? This is EXACTLY what Satan wants us to think! He wants us to talk ourselves into things and make us believe that it's all okay. But, we must never let Satan win. I like to visualize the excitement Satan would have if I followed him and he thinks he's won and that helps me step away from the choice I'm rationalizing. I do not want Satan to cheer when I make a wrong choice - I want him to weep because I have made the right choice.

Dallin H. Oaks gave a talk where he speaks about this very thing and he encouraged us to think before EVERY choice we make ... "where will it lead?" If it is going to lead us closer to Satan - that is when we need to walk away. I love what he said, "... get mixed up with Satan's garbage and we will end up in the spiritual landfill - the dumping ground of temporal and eternal life."

We cannot forget our birthrights. We are not alone in the quest to live up to those birthrights that have been given to us. I think it's important to remember what Thomas S. Monson said, "Decisions determine destiny." Those are words to live by. EACH choice we make is going to either take us one step closer to our Heavenly Father or it's going to take us a step away from our Heavenly Father.

I'm not sure why this has been bearing on my mind so much today but, I do know that no matter what we are doing right now, there is always room for improvement and there are always ways that we can do better - regardless of the situation. And I think that we need to remember the promises that we have been given and we need to LIVE UP TO THEM. There are so many wonderful things promised to us in this life and in the next ... why would you want to give up that birthright for 5 minutes of enjoyment?

6 Things in 6 Months

2010-02-19T08:46:00.003-07:00

What I have learned in 6 months of being a widow:

1. Life is so much more fun if you just let loose and live completely with no regrets. It builds confidence and gives you an exhilarating feeling to do what you want, when you want.

2. The Lord always answers prayers. I know we've always heard this but, it is SO true and I know that without a doubt. There have been so many times where I have had to pray to Heavenly Father and ask silly little questions because, I just didn't know what to do. And in HIS time, those prayers were answered.

3. I am incredibly blessed and grateful for everything that I have. Each night before I say my prayers - I sit there and think about my day. I have to pick out at least one thing that I am grateful for that day, that I can thank our Heavenly Father for. Even if it's the worst day possible, I still have to pick something out. Sometimes, it's something as simple as the store clerk smiling at me. But, I've found when I do this - I'm much more attentive to what the Lord blesses me with.

4. EVERYTHING happens for a reason. There are no coincidences when the Lord is in control, and let's be honest when ISN'T He in control? So, everything that happens in your life - it's happening for a reason. You just need to have the faith to see it through and show Him that you trust Him.

5. Service makes the world go 'round. Over the past six (plus!) months I have had so many people serve me and all it makes me want to do is turn around and serve others. It's a wonderful cycle that should never ever stop! I have a HUGE testimony of service and I think that it is something that is often forgotten, especially in the hustle and bustle of everyday life.

6. I have the best friends anyone could ever ask for. I saw a sign today that said: "Good friends are like angels, you don't have to see them to know they are there." And that is all I need to say about my friends; new and old. You are amazing and I will never be able to express how much love and appreciation I have for you.

******

Six months ago today, Kameron passed away.

SIX MONTHS - can you believe it?! I'm in a little bit of a shock knowing that I've survived six months of this crazy new life, that I've grown to love. And a little worried that I have 6 more months to go before I can officially say I've been a widow for a year.

I'm grateful for what I have learned in the past 6 months. I am grateful for the type of person Heavenly Father has helped me to become. I know I have a long ways to go but, I am proud of the person I have become. And I know this may sound insane - but, I am grateful for the trials in my life. They have made me learn so much about myself and grow in ways I could never imagine. I am blessed with a wonderful new life that I wouldn't trade for anything. I am so grateful for the Holy Ghost ... for the peace and comfort it gives me, the knowledge it helps me receive and for the guidance that I get from it; I would be lost without the Holy Ghost.

I am blessed. Very, very blessed.

Yes, my life is hard but, who's isn't - really? We are all faced with challenges and we all overcome them in our own ways.

I know my challenges in this life aren't over yet but, I DO know that everything is going to be okay.

It always is.

Happy Birthday, Little Man!

2010-02-11T00:26:00.005-07:00

In about 2 hours (at exactly 2:37am) my little Kason will be three years old.

This is a hard post for me to write ... I have a lot of emotions right now so please bear with me as I blubber along.

First, I cannot believe my little booger is three. The past three years have gone so incredibly fast. It makes me wish I had cherished some things more and not rushed through others. He is such a smart little boy and has a very quick wit and I've loved watching that develop over the past little bit. He is incredibly active and I wonder where it all comes from in his little body. He looks like he's about 18 months old because of his size. I always laugh when people hear him talk and then ask me how old he is. When I tell them he's almost 3 they reply with, "wow, he's so tiny but he talks so well and so clear!" and he really is tiny ... he still wears 18 month pants. I love it. He talks very well for his age and that's so nice for me ... it makes things a lot less stressful. He is my number one little man and I'm so grateful for him. I'm just sad that he's growing up so fast.

Second, I can't help but notice the absence of his daddy here this year. I have been dreading this day all month and I'm going to be so glad to have it over with just because Kameron isn't here. I know Kason won't realize or notice that Kameron isn't here but, I will. Kameron always knew how to make birthday's special for me and for Kason. It's been hard trying to think of something I could do that would be easy without Kameron here. And I realized nothing will be easy about this first birthday without Kameron. But, I have friends who are going to make it amazing and I'm grateful for them.

Third, it's hard not having my mom and dad here. They have always been at Kason's birthday's. And it makes me homesick for them. They are such amazing grandparents to Kason and he loves them so much. I wish I had Star Trek powers and could beam them here so they could be here for his birthday.

Anyways ... enough with my sob stories and bawling. I really am so blessed to have Kason in my life. He is seriously my rock. Yes, he drives me crazy and has too much energy for me sometimes. But, I feel so blessed to have him in my life! He is an amazing little Spirit and he brightens my life.

Things I love about him:

- when he comes up and hugs me and tells me loves me or tells me I'm the best mommy ever. I cry every time he does this
- how he loves to sing and is dang good at it too
- his love for baseball and the Diamondbacks - just like me and his daddy!
-how much he loves temples & Jesus
- his love for life, he's always so excited about the little things
- how smart he is ... he is always amazing me with what he knows and what he figures out
- his wit ... seriously, this kid can think of things to say in a heartbeat
- his ability to make friends ... he's such a social little guy
- his fashion sense ... he picks out some awesome outfits sometimes and is always asking me if things match before he picks them out. love it!
- his independence
- how he can sing to pretty much every song on the Glee Soundtrack
- how he comes in every morning and says, "good morning mom! it's time to wake up!"
- his laugh ... Kason's laugh is contagious
- he is seriously the cutest sleeping kid ... I love watching him sleep
- how he loves such boy things; dinosaurs, trucks/cars, sports, bugs ... all that fun stuff
- how he gets on movie kicks where he'll watch the same movie over and over until he has it memorized
- how he quotes movies. it makes me laugh every time he quotes something.
- his memory ... he has an amazing memory and is always talking about things we did months ago
- pretty much everything except for his stubborness and attitude and even then, those things can be cute from time to time.

I am grateful for my little man. He is perfect for me and teaches me so much.

Happy 3rd Birthday, Little Buddy.

Mommy & Daddy Love you SO much!!!

February ... Already?!

2010-02-03T08:48:00.002-07:00

Didn't we JUST celebrate New Years? This year is going so fast already. And I haven't done the best at keeping up with the blog. I have no pictures because I haven't taken the time to edit them ... maybe this weekend. This is going to be a modge-podge of thoughts ... mostly for my benefit.

Anyways ... what's new with us? Well, three days before school started at one of the colleges here - I decided, "I wanna go back to school!" I had been trying to decide between doing medical transcripting online or going back to school. After praying and fasting about it - that's when I decided ... I needed to be in school. So, the next three days were CRAZY busy - talking to counselors, working on financial aid, waiting for things to clear so I could register, it was quite stressful! But, school started January 6th and I was blessed to get everything done before it started. I was able to get registered for one class that I need towards my Bachelor's, which I will be getting in Elementary Education. The class I am taking is, "Health Education for Elementary Teachers." It is a good class, the teacher is great - which really makes all the difference. The first day of school, I was SO overwhelmed and I kept asking myself, "What was I thinking? I can't do this!!" I think it was partly because I didn't know anybody. I kept comparing it to EAC and how you know everyone there because of the institute! So ... I marched on over to the institute and signed up for a class!! I am taking, "The Gospel and a Productive Life" and I LOVE it. My teacher is absolutely amazing. Plus, being involved with the institute gives me a little more sense of belonging on campus - even if I still don't know everyone. So ... that's me and my school life. It's been so fun being back on campus, back in the classroom and learning - I've really been enjoying it.

We registered Kason for preschool that he will start in the fall. There are SO many preschools around here that it was so overwhelming trying to decide which one to send him to! It was all I thought about for a couple weeks. After visiting all the preschools, comparing what the offered, their costs, their hours, locations (and praying about it!) ... we finally decided on one for him and I feel really good about it. He will have a friend from church in his class, which I am excited about. It will be good because he can be at school in the mornings - which is when I'm hoping I can get all my classes next semester. He is so excited to go to school and asks me quite a bit if it's school time yet. I can't believe he's going to be old enough to go to school.

Speaking of that! Kason will be turning 3 on February 11th! Oh my goodness! I cannot believe he's going to be so old. I have been thinking a lot about the day he was born and it seems like it just happened. I am so grateful Heavenly Father trusted me with him - some days I know I fall short of the type of mom I need to be but, he is such a blessing to me. As a single mom I always worry that I am not doing everything I need to be doing for him and it's hard. I always worry that I'm going to really mess him up because I don't give him everything he needs or deserves. I see little changes in him that I don't like - more aggression, more stress, more talking back, less listening. I'm sure part of it is because of his age but, I have a feeling part of it is because of the way our life is.

Sometimes I feel the way Kason does: stressed and overwhelmed. I feel like I have so much on my plate but, not enough time in my day to get it all done. Between Kason, keeping the house up, keeping up with school, church meetings and obligations, family time, "me-time", plus giving myself social time so I keep my sanity - I feel like I don't have time to sit down. I need a crash course in time management and priorities. I have been trying to get out of the house on my own, whether it's with friends, or just to the temple, quite often. I am learning that I really need time to myself if I want to be good at everything else going on. Now, if I could just figure out how to add a couple hours into the day - mostly for some extra sleep ... it would be great.

I have been trying to get out and date, meet guys, and just get to know them. That's been good. It's actually kind of fun to be back in that scene again - granted this time around is completely different than before - but it's still a lot of fun. It's nice to not feel completely alone, which is something I've really been struggling with lately. I think it's mostly just the month of February ... the 11th is Kason's birthday, then Valentine's Day, and then on the 19th is going to be the 6 month mark (can you believe that?). All things I get to do alone ... and I'm not looking forward to any of them. I keep putting off planning Kason's birthday because I just don't want to think about doing it by myself. Valentine's Day was never a big holiday for us but, just the reality that everyone else (ok, I know not EVERYONE) has someone to spend it with and ... I don't. And 6 months - I can't believe I'm thru half of year of all of this. It's amazing how fast it's gone. So, I'm just ready for March. And I'm ready to not feel lonely 95% of the time but, I think that's something that is going to be sticking around for awhile, unfortunately.

Well, that's us. That's what's going on. Even though things are hard and stressful, at the same time - I really can't complain. My teacher tells us all the time - "It could always be worse" ... and I know that is so true. There are thousands of people in the world who are worse off then us. We have so many amazing blessings in our life it's just hard to always remember them. We get in the slumps and climbing out sure takes longer than falling in. I have some things coming up that I am really excited about though so, I've just got to get through the next, not-so-fun, couple weeks and then I'll have things to look forward to.

Wow, if you made it through all of that - impressive. We hope all of you are doing well and are having a wonderful 2010! : )

My Little K-Dawg

2010-01-23T13:30:00.003-07:00

These are just a few things Kason has said lately that have made me laugh and I wanted to remember them ...

The other night we were at In-N-Out for my cousin's birthday and there was a lady sitting a few tables over. She was an older lady and she was wearing a shawl. Well, Kason looks at her and points right at her and says to my cousin, Kevin, "look it's a monster wearing a blanket!" ... so then as we are leaving, I'm holding him and he looks over my shoulder, points at the same lady, and says, "Mom, there's that scary monster!" ... wow, I really really hope she didn't hear him. But, it was still pretty hilarious. Kids sure say exactly what's on their mind!!

*****

Earlier this week I was putting Kason's shoes on and this was our conversation

Kason: "You know what Mom? Jesus really loves me."
Mom: "yes! he really does! where did you learn that?"
Kason: "I learned that at church. In my class!"
Mom: "What else do you learn in your class?"
Kason: "We sing songs, play games, learn about Jesus."
Mom: "That's right!"
Kason: "You know what Mom? We learn about Jesus but, we don't ever learn about Thomas the Train."
I just started laughing and told him, "Um ... no not at church!"
He's a funny kid.

*****

We were driving in the car back at the beginning of the month and Kason had his eyes closed. I turned to him and said, "Kason, are you tired?" he says, "No Mom, I'm just looking at my eyes!"

HA HA HA! I was laughing for days about that one.

*****

So there is a wedding picture of me and Kameron on a table that's right at Kason's height. One morning he was standing there just staring at it, looking kind of puzzled. I ask him what's wrong.

He says, "Mom, this picture is horrible!"
I say, "what?!"
"Your hair, the flowers, your dress ... it's all horrible mom. Ugh ... don't you get it?!"

I couldn't help but laugh. He has kind of an attitude.

*****

He's such a funny kid and I'm lucky I get to spend all day with him!!! He's such a little blessing!

Dear 2008 & 2009,

2009-12-31T08:00:00.001-07:00

I am writing both of you because I feel like you both need to hear from me. You have both given me things to cry about, things to grow from and things to look back on and realize that they happened for a reason.

2008, let’s start with you. You started off great with a new house, a healthy family, a stable job for my husband, Kameron. Everything looked so promising and we were excited for 2008! But, March came along and stuck my husband in the hospital and he almost died! He was out of commission for months and because of that lost his job. He was unemployed for 6 months and the job he ended up getting just wasn’t cutting it so, we picked up and left the only place we ever knew and moved away from Thatcher, AZ and moved to Sierra Vista, AZ.

I hated leaving Thatcher. I loved that place and I still feel homesick for it at times. I hated having a sick husband, in the hospital. He lost SO much weight and was never the same after that lupus attack. I hated watching him suffer. I hated struggling financially and always wondering how things would get paid. I hated the job Kameron got – so many empty promises that would lift our spirits only to be let down and disappointed. I hated some of the choices I made in your year, 2008, some choices that I regret.

Now, even though I hated a lot of things about you, you taught me so much and I have a lot to be grateful for. You taught me to appreciate my husband. It was SO wonderful having him home for 6 months while he was unemployed and it was so hard to send him back to work. We have so many wonderful memories from those 6 months that I will never forget. I learned the amazing blessing of tithing, I had always known we were blessed for paying our tithing but, I really learned it first hand during your 12 months. There were times where we had hundreds of dollars to pay in bills, and no money in our account but we paid our tithing and you know what? Those bills always got paid. I learned to put faith in the Lord and really listen to answers given to our prayers. The guidance we were given by the Holy Ghost was amazing and has really gotten me to where I am now. We were given many acts of service and it taught me humility and taught me to accept others service. And now I am actually glad that we left Thatcher in December – I wouldn’t be where I am today if we didn’t move.

So 2008 … even though you were a horrible year, but not nearly as awful as your buddy 2009, I am grateful for you. You gave me lots of things to look back on a learn from and grow from and be grateful for. So, thank you.

Now, as for you 2009, we all know you were not very nice. We started off living with my in-laws. And I love them but, it’s HARD living with someone else and not having my own space, not having my own things, not running my own schedule. It was a long 8 months and we kept thinking we were going to be able to move out on our own but, we never got the chance. I had to go back to work and I hated it. Thankfully, Kameron was blessed with an amazing job with a wonderful company. But, then June came along and Kameron started getting sick again. July, he was back in the hospital, in ICU, on life support and in a coma. (see what I mean about you being meaner than 2008?!) I watched him struggle for his life for 6 weeks always thinking he was going to get better and be able to come home. Well, after 6 weeks of fighting Kameron passed away on August 19. That was the worst day of my life. I picked the shattered pieces of my life up and moved on though – I had to for Kason I had lots of big decisions to make and I made them without a spouse to help me. I moved me and Kason out of the only state we had ever know and moved to Utah. And here I am.

I have a lot of things I hate about you 2009 … I hate that the last home Kameron and I had together wasn’t our own. I hate that Kameron suffered for so long before he passed away. I hate, obviously, that Kameron passed away. I hate that I have had to plan a funeral at the age of 24 for my sweetheart. I hate the loneliness I feel. I hate the status I have now.

But, you know what 2009? I am NOT going to let you win and make me miserable forever – in fact, you have already lost. I have more to be grateful for in your 12 months than ever before. I am incredibly grateful that Kameron and I both felt a strong urge to go on a family vacation in June. It was our last outing before our lives changed. We felt the need to go and we prayed for the means to do it and, it happened. I am SO incredibly grateful that we moved to Sierra Vista. Because of this move, Kameron had an amazing job that gave him life insurance after he passed away. And because of this move, I have some of the best friends a girl could ever ask for. I don’t even exaggerate when I talk about these girls they have dropped SO much to be there for me. I could go on and on about my gratitude for my girls because every time I think of them my heart just swells with love for them!! I remember the morning that Kameron passed away, Kara, Laurel, Camille and Emily dropped everything that day to be there for me. You can’t ask for better friends than them. I love these girls with all of my heart and I am so grateful that the Lord brought them into my life. I have learned to be grateful for service and to allow others to serve me. Because of this, I have gained an amazing love and testimony for doing service and I’m constantly looking for ways to serve others. I have been blessed by SO MANY incredible, generous people who have gotten me to where I am now, I am seriously amazed at the generosity of some people – some of whom I do not even know. It really makes a girl feel loved and appreciated. I have taken a HUGE leap of faith, listened to promptings and moved to Utah. And because of listening to those promptings, I am INCREDIBLY happy. I absolutely love Utah and I love the friends I have made here. I love everything about Utah (okay, except for maybe the drivers). But, you know what 2009 – even though you sucked pretty bad, you have made me a better person. You have helped me grow and have taught me more than I ever thought possible in the last 6 months. I am grateful for you 2009. I am grateful for what you put me through and for what you have taught me. And I am grateful for ALL the blessings you have given me, I cannot even count them all.

Now, I would be lying if I didn’t say I am incredibly excited for 2010. I am excited for a new year and for a new decade!! So, 2008-2009 … it’s been lovely and it’s been nice but, things have kind of been crappy for two years and I don’t want to dwell on you anymore! 2010 is a new opportunity for me to become the person I am meant to be and I cannot WAIT for that opportunity!

Thanks for the memories, thanks for the lessons and thanks for being over!! And could you maybe tell your buddy 2010 to take it easy on me this time around? I would really appreciate that!

Much love, appreciation and excitement:
Jami

well ....

2009-12-30T11:58:00.003-07:00

BUT atleast the blog is up to date!!!

Holiday Bowling

2009-12-30T11:26:00.002-07:00

The day after Christmas we met up with some of the family at went bowling! It was so fun, I love bowling! And Kason even got to bowl and he LOVED it!!! Thanks Mark & Kathy for the fun afternoon!!

Bowling with Grandpa:

Kason working his bowling magic:

And ... check that out - kason's mad bowling skills!

Doin' the bowling dance:

Ok, so Kason thought the ball thing was so fun. He would pull the balls out and line them up. So funny.

with cousin, Austin:

with cousin, Adam:

So much fun! Then that night we drove to Salt Lake and ate at a place called 'Red Iguana' ... it was DELICIOUS Mexican food! Every since moving up here I have been missing, really yummy, spicy Mexican food and I had heard good things about this restaurant and it was so worth it and definately hit my craving!! Thanks for going with us Gillmans!!

This was the end of our Holiday excitement. Now, it's time to get ready for New Year's!! I cannot WAIT!!!

Christmas 2009

2009-12-30T11:09:00.002-07:00

Well, I wasn't really looking forward to doing Christmas this year. In fact, I was kind of a scrooge about it. I just didn't feel jolly and in with the spirit of it all. I was just ready to have Christmas day over with and move on. I have been more excited for January 1st that Christmas for the whole month of December! But, we survived Christmas!!! Kason's excitement over everything really helped me not be so bitter about doing this as a single mom this year. Plus, having my dad here was a HUGE help. I would have been a mess if there was nobody here. It was hard to not have Kameron here but, the day wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I think being in a new house and new town really helped because it wasn't the "norm" for us. Anyways ... we survived and I can honestly say I am glad Christmas is OVER this year!!!

Santa brought Kason a tool bench with all sorts of power tools ... he absolutely loves it. Good choice santa! :)

With a few of his favorite toys:

Kason with all his loot, this kid is so spoiled. ha!

Santa also brought us a wii!!! We have been loving it! Here's Kason and Grandpa playin!

That afternoon we went to my Grandparents house for some yummy dinner and to hang out for a while. It was fun to just relax and visit.

Kason getting a massage on Grandma's new chair massager:

taking pics with his new camera!!

So ... MERRY CHRISTMAS (a week late)!!! We hope everyone had an amazing Christmas!! Ours really was great considering our circumstances this year! Thank you for all your love and care this holiday season! I felt so loved by all the cards, calls and emails we received this year, it really brightened our days!! Until next year - Ho Ho Ho!!! :)

Christmas Eve

2009-12-30T10:48:00.002-07:00

We were so excited for Christmas Eve because Grandpa Jeff was flying in from Colorado!!! Kason was anxious all morning for him to get here ...

I just think this picture is cute, he climbed under our end tables and was being a train conductor. Love this kid!!

When Grandpa got here we hung out, ate dinner and then went out for our annual drive to look at Christmas lights. We found the most AMAZING house where every tree had lights ... and they had lots of trees!! It was incredible!

When we got home, our family elf, "frosty", had left pj's and an ornament for Kason. I love this tradition because growing up I would always try and get my mom to let us open one present on Christmas Eve but, she never gave in! So, this makes up for all the years we didn't get to do it growing up! HAHA!

Kason's ornament:

Kason's new pj's:

Then we baked some cookies and got the carrots ready for the reindeer. When we were at the store Kason kept holding the carrots up and telling everyone - "These are for Santa's reindeer!!!" He was SOO excited!!

And then it was bedtime! Kason was SO excited to go to bed!! That night he came into my room at like 5:00 and was like, "Mom, did Santa come yet?" I told him to just go back to bed - there was no way I doing Christmas at 5am!! I loved his excitement this year about everything! So cute and fun.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a GOOD NIGHT!

Christmas Sunday & A German Christmas

2009-12-30T10:20:00.002-07:00

Just getting home from church the Sunday before Christmas ... Kason all dressed up in his Christmas best!!

Then that night we headed to my Grandparents house for our family Christmas party! Each year the family picks a different country for our "theme" so this year we did Germany! We had German food, learned about Germany, played German games and sang German songs. It was FUN! :)

Kason with his cousin Austin wearing that German outfit ... whatever they're called and however to spell it:

Austin and his rockin' outfit:

My Stud:

Caroling:

With Uncle Kim:

Playing handbells:

Present Time!!

SO EXCITED!

"mom, it's like from Toy Story!"

With his cousin, Cameron:

I love my crazy, big family and I'm SO incredibly grateful for them and that I get to live so close to them!!!

Denver Trip (December)

2009-12-30T09:43:00.000-07:00

Warning: Picture overload below!!!

The first weekend of December Kason and I flew out to Colorado to spend sometime with him and see his new house. Actually GETTING there was quite the experience!! Holy cow! I made sure we left plenty early but, there was an accident on the freeway and if anybody knows Utah traffic, you know it's HORRIBLE if there is an accident or anything going on really (I get so annoyed driving here!) So, we were seriously in standstill traffic for like an hour. FINALLY it cleared out and I BOOKED it to the airport. We got there like 20 minutes before our flight was supposed to leave. Checked our baggage and ran like crazy for the gate. Of course our gate was at the very end of the longest terminal so I am trying to carry Kason, plus all our carry on stuff. It was insane. Anyways, we got to the gate like TWO minutes after the plane has pulled away. I just wanted to cry!! So, I went to the ticket counter and they put our names on the standby list for the 2:00 flight ... our original flight was at like 9:10!!! So, we got to sit in the airport for 5 hours. Kason did relatively good considering the fact that he was stuck in an airport and mad at me that he couldn't get on any airplanes. We did get to hear them announce the birth of a baby on one of the Southwest flights - which was kind of cool!

Anyways ... so, like 1:30 rolls around and they are boarding the 2:00 flight. They call us up to the counter and tell us they have one seat but, that wouldn't work because I obviously can't send Kason on his own. So, they have two seats of people who were supposed to show up but weren't there yet. She said if they aren't here in 5 minutes, the seats are yours. So, we wait and I am praying that security is just busy and it takes them forever to get through. RIGHT before (I kid you not, like she was turning to tell me the seats were ours) the guys come running down the terminal. I was SO frustrated and Kason was getting so tired. So, I went to talk to them and they said they had a 5:30 flight, which was delayed until 6:40 and there were a few seats left on that flight. Or they had a 6:10 flight that was full. So, they put us on the waiting list (again) for the 6:40 flight and said, just be back by 5:30.

So, I had to walk away because I was so exhausted and frustrated and ready to burst into tears! Kason was so ready to be out of the airport and so was I! I got to thinking ... it's only 2:00, I can sit around until 6:10 and MAYBE get on that flight (but probably not) or I can sit around until 6:40 and probably get on that flight ... that's another 4 hours!! And by the time I would have gotten to our car, gotten anywhere, it would have been time to turn around and get back to the airport!

SO ... I decided to see what other flights were heading out to Denver in the next little bit. Delta (or maybe United?) had one leaving in like an hour, so I walked over to their terminal and was asking the guy how much a ticket would be. They were decently priced, not as cheap as Southwest, but, I just wanted to get OUT so, I told him I needed two because Kason was almost 3. So the guy started working on the tickets and he looks at me and this BLESSED old man (who I love dearly even though I will never see him again) said, "Your son, he looks like he's about 23 months. Is that right?" I stumbled over my words and was like ... well, um ... I guess, you're doing the ticket not me. So, this sweet old man only made me pay for ONE ticket and let Kason count as a lap child. I must have looked pretty frazzled and exhausted for him to do that. I just stood there and started crying saying, thank you. thank you! It was a pretty amazing gesture that I will never forget. And right as we were getting on the plane I passed him and he said, "remember: he's 23 months!" and just smiled at us.
It was just amazing.

ANYWAYS - holy cow - that was our experience GETTING to Denver! Once we finally got there and met up with my dad ... this is what all we did...

Disney on Ice:
Kason LOVED it! He thought it was SO fun! He loved all the scenes but, especially Cars and Lion King. It was fun to see him so excited about it. I thought it was amazing too. I LOVE Ice Skating though - so it was fun to watch.

this kid was AMAZING!!!

Denver Aquarium:
This was SO cool! I loved it! I was just as excited about everything as Kason was! I love the Sea Turtles- by far the favorite of mine. :)

with sharks: look close - do you see 'em?!

Grandpa and Kason with sharks:

DORIE!!!

NEMO!!!

Kason was so excited that Nemo and Dorie were there. Then he saw the Jellyfish and he was like, "Mom! It's like on Nemo!! SO COOL!"

Love this pic, Kason adores his Grandpa Jeff!

Goofing Off:

Just goofing off at Grandpa's house...

And Shopped at Bass Pro Shops:

Kason WISHES he could have this! haha!

It was a FUN trip!! It snowed a lot while we were there so we didn't get to do as much as we were hoping but, we still kept busy and had lots of fun!! Now, we'll have to go back in the SPRING when it's not freezing and watch some baseball!!

I'm in trouble...

2009-12-29T21:37:00.001-07:00

if Kason thinks THIS looks good. ha ha!

And again ... I'm in trouble with this little GQ model! I have such a little stud for a son!

Thanksgiving 2009

2009-12-29T21:07:00.005-07:00

So ... remember that holiday where you eat lots of yummy food and wear stretchy pants so it all fits in your tummy? And remember how I haven't blogged about it yet, even though it was over a month ago? Ya, i realized that too. So ... here is our Reader's Digest version of Thanksgiving 2009.

We DROVE to Arizona. The drive really wasn't too awful. Kason did really good. On the way there we stopped off at the dam in Page (the Hoover? maybe) and let Kason check it out. He thought it was pretty cool. I didn't tell him it was called a dam though - I didn't want him walking around talking about the dam we saw. HA!

Then we drove to Payson and stayed with my mom for a night before driving to Sierra Vista for Thanksgiving.

Thanksigiving day was harder than I thought. It was hard to be around Kameron's family and not have Kameron in his apron, sitting next to me on the couch watching the football games. The meal was delicious and the company was good but, it was HARD.

So, some AMAZING people, who are seriously like my adopted family and I know I could count on the for anything ... anyways - the Bartholet's/Packers, invited me over to their home for their Thanksgiving meal. Since Kason was sleeping, I left and spent the rest of the evening with them. These people are amazing and I could go on and on about the love and appreciation I have for them but, I'll spare you. Just know they're incredible.

Laurel with all the boys:

The boy train:

THEN ... the Thanksgiving night, Kason stayed the night at his grandparents house and at 2:30ish that morning - I woke up and went SHOPPING!! heck ya. It was fun. I got to see some old friends from our ward in line and we got to visit. I got everything except for one thing on my list. It was a successful morning.

Later that day I went with the Bartholet's to Tombstone. So fun! I stole these pictures from Laurel because I don't think I had my camera. Besides, her's are more fun anyways.

I should been a cowgirl!

They're rough in Tombstone, if they don't want you there - they don't mess around:

this just makes me laugh...

Tombstone was fun. While I was in Tombstone Kason got to go fishing. I think he caught like 3 fish!! I wish I had some pictures on my computer to show you of that. He's a pretty cute little fisherman.

Then we all just hung out the rest of the weekend, helped Laurel put up her Christmas! And then Monday it SNOWED on the mountain up there so, we went to play. I have pictures but they're on my phone because my camera died so they're not the best quality. Just know that it was so fun but Kason was freezing and he pretty much hated it.

Then, monday we left for Payson. Stayed the night there again and Tuesday we drove all the way home!! Kason was a TROOPER! I can't believe he survived that whole trip without stopping somewhere over night (which we did on the way down, in Kanab).

So, that's our Thanksgiving in a nutshell. I am sure lots of things were left out but, I am trying to get this year done before my rockin' 2010 starts!!

That's the Honest Truth!

2009-12-09T16:29:00.000-07:00

10 Honest Truths About Me:

- I worry about never getting married again and being a lonely old hag. I know it will never happen but ... it's still a worry.

- I love celebrity gossip (and truths)

- I can't wait for the 2nd Coming and I find it so interesting. I am entertained by doing research about it.

- Every morning for breakfast I have a toasted "everything" bagel with butter and a glass of oj.

- I get freaked out at the fact that I may have to blend families one day - that's scary to me.

- I would rather text than talk on the phone.

- I am a tv junkie ... I love me some good tv and my DVR is always working overtime.

- I absolutely love living in Utah - even though it's FREEZING here right now.

- I am addicted to the tv show 'Friends' ... you can always count on it for a good laugh, no matter how many times you've seen the episode.

- I had a hard time coming up with 10 of these which is why I actually only have 9 :)

PLEASE HELP

2009-12-07T23:21:00.002-07:00

I came across this blog about a young mother who just became a widow. They have started an online auction to benefit her, their 14 month old daughter, and their unborn child. PLEASE visit the blog to view the auction - PLEASE. I don't know how many times I can ask you, even if you bid $5 on something - believe me when I tell you that $5 helps! So, go to this site, find something you love, and bid. Get it for yourself or for a gift. All I want you to do is go. I can't beg you enough. PLEASE!!!

AUCTION SITE

And you can read about this sweet family here:

JONES FAMILY STATEMENT

This hits so close to home to me so I don't have the emotional strength to write much right now but, I will keep asking you to please help this young widow. I know money is tight right now with the holidays but, every penny helps. And we can all offer a prayer for her to feel peace during this trial.

(john & emily jones)

THANK YOU!!

Jump On It!

2009-12-01T21:33:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks ago me and Kason joined some girls (and their kids) from our new ward and went to a place called 'jump on it!' ... it was so fun! It just has a bunch of trampolines and Kason had SO much fun! They also had a few of those big blow-up jumping things. It was such a fun afternoon and Kason loved it. The nice thing is all the little boys in our group are all within 5 months in age - it makes it so much fun!! Thanks girls for a fun afternoon!! Kason loves his new buddies!

Hogle Zoo

2009-11-30T21:23:00.000-07:00

Before the weather got too cold here I wanted to take Kason to the Hogle Zoo in Salt Lake City. It was the perfect little zoo, not too big and all the animals were really close. Like, REALLY close – the giraffe house was the coolest – there was hardly 3 feet between the railing and the fencing for the giraffes! It was really neat. Another cool thing was there was TONS of babies! It was so cute! There was a baby monkey, elephant, giraffe, and a few more. They were so cute. Kason LOVES the zoo and he had so much fun so, we bought a membership! I am excited to be able to take Kason whenever we want!

I love my little Kason - he is so much fun and we have been having so much fun going out and doing things together - just the two of us! He's such a great sport to tag along with me and let's face it - he's such a cutie! I am lucky to have a special little boy to keep me company everyday!

Bountiful Temple

2009-11-29T21:22:00.000-07:00

The second Sunday of November we drove up to Layton to my aunt and uncles house in Layton for a Davies Family Home Evening. It was fun being here to get together with all of the family! On our way up we dropped my mom off at the airport. She had been here helping us get things unpacked and put away. So, we dropped her off at the airport and then headed north. We had some extra time so we stopped at the Bountiful Temple and walked around the grounds. The view from that temple is AMAZING! It was gorgeous. Kason kept asking to go see the Christ statue, like the one at the Mesa Temple. He loves listening to the statue talk.

I love these pictures of Kason – his facial expressions are priceless and adorable! I love my little man and he LOVES temples –that makes me happy. I can’t wait for him to get older so he can really understand the blessings that we get from temples and the reason that temples mean so much to me.

Halloween & Movin' in

2009-11-28T20:42:00.000-07:00

Halloween this year was kind of rushed and not very organized! That morning Kason and I drove to Phoenix to pick up my dad from the airport and as soon as we got back we loaded up our moving truck and finished packing everything up. When the truck was loaded my brothers left for Utah. By then, it was pretty much time to get ready for Halloween. I think we didn’t take time for dinner and we barely made time for a bath for Kason. It was just crazy! So Kason was tired because he had only slept for about 45 minutes and he didn’t eat dinner so – he wasn’t the happiest little trick-or-treater, but we survived.

We just went to the trunk or treat at the stake building in Payson. We played games and did the trunk or treat and by the time we got through those things – Kason was pretty much done so, we left!

Kason was Wall-e for Halloween! Kara and Ammon Matsuda made this costume last year for their son and when they found out Kason loved Wall-e, Ammon brought us the costume when he came over for the funeral. Kason LOVES the costume, granted he didn’t like to keep it on for very long periods of times, but he sure was cute when he was wearing it! Thanks for the costume Ammon and Kara – it was perfect!!

With Grandpa Jeff:

This was totally how he was by the end of the night … a grumpy little Wall-e!

Hope you all had a safe and happy Halloween! (of course, by the time you read this we will already been planning for Christmas but, whatever). It was all in all a good day for us, it was my first major holiday with Kameron and we survived but, I think we were too busy to really think about any of that stuff too much. I did think about not having Kameron around and thinking about how much fun he would have had with his little Wall-e but, it was nice to have my dad there to kind of fill in that role.

So … right after the trunk or treat me, my dad and Kason loaded up the car and headed off to Utah! Holy cow, we must have been crazy for driving all night but, we made it! We saw TONS of elk and deer on our trip and almost ran into a few. But, other than that – it was a pretty uneventful trip. Kason slept the entire time which was really nice. We got to Utah about 5 am so we came straight to our house and fell back asleep and slept for a few hours. When we woke up we started thinking about unloading the truck. I think we were all too tired to really do anything about it.

Finally about 8:30 or 9 we really got started. About 9:15 or so, a truck pulled up and a couple guys hopped out and asked us if we needed any help! They introduced themselves as members of the Elders Quorum Presidency from our new ward! It was awesome! The EQ President said he would text a few members of the Elders Quorum and have them come help. Within five minutes there were 4 or 5 other guys there to help us move! These guys were all in their church shirts and dress slacks – they had all left their church meetings to come help us move in! It was awesome and made me so excited for our new ward. We really had the truck completed unloaded by 10am! It was awesome. That same day the High Priest leader and the Bishop and his wife stopped by.

My dad and brothers were here until Monday and then they all had to fly out – it was just me and Kason in our home. It was a weird feeling – that’s for sure! But, it was exciting to finally have our own space and finally be our new little family! Hopefully soon I can get a post together about living up here in Utah.

Thatcher Trip (October)

2009-11-27T20:00:00.000-07:00

Right after the State Fair we headed to Thatcher. Our two days in Thatcher were CRAZY busy! We wanted to see everyone that we could before moving so, the Thursday that we were there was non-stop visiting with people. It was seriously crazy BUT I am so glad that we were able to see everyone that we did.

We stayed with Steph and her family (thanks guys!) and Kason and Laela had so much fun playing together. We got to eat R&R Pizza, do some window shopping, and just hang out and talk. I miss just sitting and talking with Steph all the time!! We miss you guys!!

Here is Laela and Kason right before we left …

Kason also got to spend LOTS of time with his uncles Matt & Daniel. It was so nice. I love watching them with Kason because they both have qualities that really remind me of Kameron so, it’s just neat to watch them interact with Kason and imagine that Kameron would be doing the exact same things. He has such great uncles!!

At the park with Matt & Daniel:

Matt & Kason

Which drink is better? …

Swinging away!

I love the smile on his face in this one!

It was a good final trip to Thatcher before the big move! Thanks for taking time to see us everyone!! We love and miss you all in Thatcher!

Thanksgiving 2009

2009-11-26T07:30:00.000-07:00

2009 has given me a lot of things to be grateful for.

When we go through trials we become more aware of the blessings in our lives and we become more grateful for what we have.

This year I am very grateful for so many things. I have really been given many opportunities to see the things that are right in front of me that tend to be taken for granted and realize that those little things are huge blessings.

I am thankful for this man:

I am thankful for the amazing man he is. I am thankful for his testimony of the gospel. I am thankful that he was a worthy, strong, member of the church right up until the day he passed away. I am thankful for his love and compassion towards everyone he met. I am thankful for the AMAZING husband he is - for all his selfless acts of service, for his words of love and kindness, and for his unconditional love. I am thankful for what a wonderful daddy he is - for the hours and hours he spent with Kason teaching him about sports, or cooking, or the church, for the times he rocked him to sleep and read him stories. I am thankful that he was a wonderful leader of our home - for all the memories he left us with and for his continuous effort to make us happy, regardless of what it took. I am thankful for my husband, for my eternal companion and my best friend. I miss him terribly but, I am thankful that he is no longer suffering and in pain. I am thankful that he is able to serve the Lord in heaven stand beside Him. I am thankful for his hardworking attitude on earth and in heaven.

I am thankful for this day:

The day when I was sealed to Kameron for time and all eternity. What an amazing blessing that is now. I am thankful that we were both worthy to be married in the temple. I am thankful that we made the choice 5 1/2 years ago to be married there. I am thankful for the power from God that we have to be sealed together in the next life and not just 'till death'. I am thankful for the memory I have of kneeling across from Kameron in that sealing room and looking into his eyes and knowing that NO MATTER WHAT we could be together forever.

I am thankful for my little man:

I am thankful that he makes me smile everyday. I am thankful that he reminds me of his daddy. I am thankful for how sweet he is. I am thankful for his hugs and kisses. I am thankful for his spontaneous, "i love you's". I am thankful for his love of the church and temples and Jesus. I am thankful for his excitement over the little things. I am thankful that he is such a little boy and loves sports, cars, trucks, dinosaurs and dirt. I am thankful that he is now my best buddy here on earth and he is the one I get to spend everyday with. And I am especially thankful that he is part of our eternal family.

I am thankful for Jesus Christ:

I am thankful for the sacrafice that was made for us by Him. For the love that He has for each of us and the understanding and concern that He feels for each of us in our individual circumstances. I am thankful for the opportunity we will each have to walk beside the Savior again.

I am thankful for the church. For the blessings it gives to us. I am thankful for the things it teaches us. I am thankful for the type of person it teaches me to be.

I am thankful for Kason's uncles, and grandparents - for the examples they are and for the things they teach to Kason.

I am thankful for my parents for the things they have taught me and that they have always been there for me, no matter what.

I am thankful for AMAZING friends - new and old. I am thankful for their love and sacrifice. I am thankful for those who have given service to me and my family the past 2 1/2 years as we have gone through difficult trials.

I am thankful for my alone time and the peace and quiet. I am thankful for good shows that make me laugh & cry. I am thankful for chocolate. I am thankful for our new ward here. I am thankful for good food. I am thankful for fun times. I am thankful for new adventures. I am thankful that I have a roof over my head, clothes in my closet and food in my fridge.

I am a very grateful person this year. Thanksgiving was always Kameron's favorite holiday and this year I have made an effort to really focus on the things that I am thankful for instead of trying to skip over Thanksgiving and start stressing about Christmas. This year, I have learned that there are many blessings right in front of us. The Lord blesses us with many things and gives us many gifts and tender mercies - we just need to be willing to see them and realize that all things come from the Lord.

I hope that each of you has a wonderful Thanksgiving surrounded by the ones you love. I hope that you each take a few moments to think of all the things you're thankful for and you forget about the trials you're going through and realize that even amidst the hard times - you truly are blessed.

Arizona State Fair (October)

2009-11-25T19:50:00.000-07:00

In October I took Kason to the State Fair. He had fun but, my opinion of the State Fair? Expensive, crowded, stinky, small and well … kinda boring. But, like I said, Kason had a blast so that is what counts! He kept getting on the rides and saying – “it’s like Disneyland” haha! One bummer is I got sick from all the little kid spinning rides so, we really didn’t get to go on very many. I think we’ll wait a few years before going to the state fair again. Why are County Fairs fun but, not the State Fair??

California Day 3

2009-11-24T17:07:00.000-07:00

Family Time:

Wednesday night me, Kason and my mom drove up north of LA to a town called Mojave. My Aunt and Uncle have lived there for years! It’s my mom’s sister, Judy, so we drove up to visit with them and quite a bit of their family.

Thursday we went to this cool wild cat exhibit that they have there – they have all sorts of exotic cats that you can see. It was fun. There was this one cat that was either really playful or it thought Kason would taste yummy! It was so funny – Kason would run up and down the fence and the cat would chase him, almost like he was hunting him. It was really funny.

The hunter

The hunter & prey

Then that night most of Judy’s kids came to her house for dinner. It was fun to see them! These girls are Kristen’s and they’re SO cute! Kason had fun playing with them.

Then that night we drove back down to Santa Clarita so we could fly out Friday morning. It’s always sad to leave a vacation but, at the same time it’s nice to get back home and back into a routine. Kason had a blast in California and I love watching his excitement about everything! It was such a fun trip!!

California Day 2

2009-11-23T15:11:00.000-07:00

Disneyland & California Adventure:

(on the tram that morning on the way to the park – excited for day #2!)

The second day we were in California we went to Disneyland and did just a couple rides before we headed over to California Adventure. Kason was really excited to ride the Pirates of the Caribbean but, it scared him so, now when he talks about it he’ll tell you it was really fun but … SCARY. He’s too funny. We also did Peter Pan Wednesday morning which was fun because that ride was Kameron’s favorite “kid rides” so, it was neat to watch Kason enjoy it.
Right in front of Sleeping Beauty’s castle they had all these fake pumpkins with characters faces carved on them – pretty cool!

The Castle …

Kason driving Mr. Toad’s car:

California Adventure!

Mater and Lightning McQueen

His very own set of ears!

Hmm… I think this was the caterpillar train ride.

Dancing Ladybugs – Kason LOVED this ride! I wish I could have taken a picture of his face, he was laughing the entire time we were spinning around. He loved it!

Toy Story Mania … the wait for this ride was SO worth it!! This ride was SO fun! I loved it!!

With Woody – Kason was EXCITED!

At the end of the day – Kason was completely satisfied with his toys and sucker…

We had such a fun time at Disneyland and Kason loved it just as much as I had hoped he would. I can’t wait to take him back!

Even to this day, he still talks about Disneyland and if we go to something fun he’ll always say, “It’s like Disneyland, Mom!” I’m so glad we were able to do something fun and give him such a great memory!! I love that little boy!

Day 3: Family Time

California Day 1 (October)

2009-11-22T14:55:00.002-07:00

Disneyland:

Back in October Kason and I went to Disneyland with my mom and brothers. We had been talking about going for quite awhile so Kason was SO excited about it!! Every day he would ask us if we were going to Disneyland! He couldn’t wait!

Tuesday morning we flew out and as soon as we got to California we headed straight for Disneyland!!! I was so excited to take Kason! That day we just did Disneyland and that night we got to see the super cool firework show. Disneyland was so neat in October because it was all decked out for Halloween – pumpkins everywhere and people all dressed up for Halloween. It was fun!!

The HAPPIEST place on earth!

Kason driving through Autopia

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR! Kason was so excited to see Buzz! (he’s with Uncle Jeremy in this picture!)

It’s a Small World – this was probably one of Kason’s FAVORITE rides! He STILL talks about it!!

Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride … he still talks about this ride too.

In ToonTown

MICKEY MOUSE!

Kason was SO SO excited to see Mickey Mouse – it was SOOO cute! He gave him a hug and kiss and was so happy. I was glad we waited in the line to see him, it was definitely worth it!

Riding Dumbo –

(doesn’t he look thrilled? Ha ha!)

By the end of the day Kason was exhausted! He had only had a quick 30 minute nap in the car so, he was worn out.

Day 2: Disneyland & California Adventure

Thatcher in September

2009-11-21T12:04:00.003-07:00

In September we all headed to Thatcher for a Benefit Concert that had been organized for Kameron. While we were down there we took time to check out the Gila Valley Temple, which had just recently had the Angel Moroni placed on top, and visit the Cemetery.

The temple … it’s so beautiful and it’s so wonderful that the Gila Valley is being blessed with a temple!!

Up at the cemetery …

I just love the view that we have from Kam’s grave. He has a perfect view of the temple … with the view comes such a peaceful and quiet feeling there at his grave – I love it.

Kas sitting with his daddy …

Now, the benefit concert was AMAZING … I will be forever grateful to every person who put it together and helped in any way! Ryan Innes, Jordan Keith, Jason Spencer, Cindy Anaya & EAC’s A Capella choir all performed. It really was so amazing.

At the end they sang the traditional, “The Lord Bless You and Keep You”. I love it because all A Capella choir members (present and alumni) stand surrounding the entire auditorium and hold hands while they sing. I was able to hold it together until Mr. Bishop said that each Friday at 12:00 they will be singing that song for me and Kason and he said how much everyone loves both of us. After the song, the water works started. It’s amazing what simple things make my emotions go crazy these days!

I LOVED singing in A Capella choir at EAC and it was a really big part of mine and Kameron’s life while we were attending EAC so, it was such a wonderful, meaningful night. I know that the concert was exactly what Kameron would have wanted and he loved it. Thank you to ANYONE who helped put this concert together!! It was perfect!

EAC Marquee (how cool!!)

These pictures aren’t the best and the group one is missing Mr. Bishop (does anyone have any pictures of the night they could send to me??) but, these are the pics my dad took (which by the way – my dad flew down to be there!! It was so nice!)

Just family with Ryan

They did do an article on the concert in the Eastern Arizona Courier, which was really cool. I posted the article a while back.

That same weekend we drove to Sierra Vista and packed up all our stuff into a Budget truck and moved it up to Payson into my mom’s garage. It was a LONG weekend but, a good weekend.

Sierra Vista in September

2009-11-20T11:30:00.000-07:00

The end of September we went down to Sierra Vista so I could play some BUNCO with the girls and just hang out and have fun!! It was a fun trip and Kason was so excited to spend time with Rylee.

Kason, Bryson & Rylee (seriously, out of like 6 pictures ... this was the best one and Kason is still picking his nose - nice.)

Rylee styling Kason’s hair

Rylee, Jayden & Kason

Rylee & Kason

Thanks for the fun few days Kara and girls! We love you guys and miss you!!

Girls & Kiddo Getaway! (September)

2009-11-20T11:29:00.000-07:00

Back in September when I got those incredible pictures done by Ashley Madsen, Kason and I spent the weekend with Alicia and her kids and Steph and her kids and we had a FUN & CRAZY few days! I can’t wait to do it again!

All the kiddos … I am surprised we didn’t go crazy … 6 kids (all 3 and under) and 3 moms!!

This picture (which I stole from Alicia’s blog) pretty much sums up the weekend … kids all over the place!!

Us momma’s
(I had just gotten my make-up done for our pictures … I don’t usually wear that much make-up! Haha)

Thank you Steph for the housing and food. Thank you Alicia for lining up everything and for the junk food. Thank you BOTH for an AMAZINGLY fun weekend!! I am seriously so excited to do it again!!

My little chef (September)

2009-11-19T11:13:00.000-07:00

Kason helping Grandma Juli make some yummy cookies! He loves to cook & help in the kitchen – just like his Daddy!

The Shriner's Circus (September)

2009-11-19T11:09:00.000-07:00

So, back in September when I was in Payson with my mom, the Shriner’s Circus came to town and we thought it would be fun to take Kason! Well … it was probably the most ghetto little circus I have ever seen!! BUT – Kason loved it so, it was worth it.

Kason being mesmerized …

Thanks for taking us Mom!

Fun with the Fritz's (September)

2009-11-18T10:40:00.000-07:00

Right after spending sometime with Maren, we went over a Cindy and Jay's house. Cindy and Kameron went to school in Japan together. They had stayed in contact through all these years and Cindy and her husband ended up in Arizona! So, I had gotten to meet them a couple times before Kameron passed away and Cindy and Jay are AMAZING people. They are so giving and sweet - they are definately like family. In fact, Kam and Cindy called each other "cousins". They have three of the cutest kids EVER and Kason had so much fun playing with their boys!

One of the days we were with them they pulled out their water slide and it was so fun! The kids could have played on that thing all day! Kason was having a blast!!

All the boys:

Kason sunbathing … haha

Kason, the little fish

While we were there Cindy introduced me to the joy of Costco shopping! AND I got my first taste of ‘The Cheesecake Factory’ which was SOOO yum!!!
We were sad to leave but, glad we got to spend some time with them! Thanks again Cindy and Jay – you guys are the best!!

Kas and Tristan

Kas and Leila

All the kiddos

Me and Cindy

A fun few days back in September ...

2009-11-18T10:05:00.001-07:00

Back in September Kason and I went to spend a few days with Maren and her family. It was so fun. Maren is AMAZINGLY sweet and one of the most giving people I have ever met. We stayed BUSY while we were there and it was FUN!

One day we went to the mall so I could meet with another widow whose husband passed away last October (of 2008). She was so sweet and it was really nice to have someone else to talk to about everything I was going through and being able to realize that I wasn’t going crazy. She is a sweetheart!

Kason and the kids played at the mall play area while we talked, he had fun running around and climbing all over:

Then one of the days we went to ‘Bounce-U’ and it was so fun! I had never been to anything like that but, it was really fun and Kason had a blast!!

Kason LOVED this slide! He went down it so many times and every time he got to the bottom he was so excited & he would climb back up to go again!!

Jumpin’ around…

THEN … one of the other days we went to the Mesa Children’s Museum! It was FUN and I am glad we went!!

This was so cool, Kason loved this – he could have danced forever!!

Puppet show!

Having some fun!

Me and Maren even got to sneak away for an afternoon and we got some delicious frozen yogurt and got a HEAVENLY massage (well, for me … poor Maren had a lightweight!)

THANK YOU MAREN & FAMILY FOR SUCH A FUN FEW DAYS!!

Pima Air & Space Museum (August)

2009-11-17T21:35:00.002-07:00

The day after Kameron's funeral Kason and I headed back to the dreaded city of Tucson (sorry, not a fan of the place) with my dad, brothers, grandpa and uncle. After we said good-bye to my grandpa and uncle, who had to fly back home. We went to the Pima Air and Space Museum with my dad and brothers. It was fun and Kason loved all the airplanes. I was EXHAUSTED though (emotional, physically, spiritually, basically any way I could be exhausted - I was) so, I wasn't much fun. Thankfully Kason had his uncles and Grandpa Jeff to take him around.

Here we are with the whole group before Grandpa Davies and Uncle Doug headed for the airport:

Pima Air and Space Museum … one of the hardest parts about being here is that Kam and I had always talked about taking Kason here because we knew that he would love it. Kason did love it – it was just hard to be there without Kam.

Kason’s flying the plane!

Astronaut Kason

One funny thing about this day was my brother Jesse, taught Kason about some airplane that is the fastest airplane or something and so for awhile after we went Kason would talk about the "fastest airplane EVER" … the way he said it was adorable.

Fun, hard, bittersweet day. Just very glad I had my dad and brothers there with us!

Tucson Children's Museum (August)

2009-11-17T21:21:00.000-07:00

Back in August while we were bascially living in Tucson, we decided to take Kason to the children's museum they have there. I had been wanting to take him for awhile so, my mom and I went! It was fun and Kason had a lot of fun.

ringing the train bell

Grocery shopping

Riding the police motorcycle … “just like Uncle Jesse!”

Fireman Kason

In the cave he built

A fun morning and a good way to break up the routine and monotony of the hospital!

Jammin' Out

2009-10-28T21:03:00.001-06:00

I just love these pictures. K loves music and loves his uncle Matt ... he loves to play the ukelele with Matt and sing songs. They're so fun to watch together!!

It's Showtime!

2009-10-27T23:00:00.002-06:00

Back in July, we took K to the Wiggles concert!! Kameron had always promised K he would take him to the Wiggles when they came into town but, seeing as how Kam was in the hospital when they came, I really wanted to take him!! My mom took us and I was so glad we got to go! I'm pretty sure K enjoyed it ... he sat there the entire time with his mouth open, just watching them. It was pretty funny. But, after the concert - he just kept talking and talking about how he got to see 'The Wiggles'! He still talks about the concert!! I guess it was pretty memorable!

waiting for the show to start

the wiggles!!

watching the show

***

In July, I also got to go see 'WICKED' ... which I absolutely LOVED!! I couldn't help but miss Kam, who's ticket I had to sell, but I still loved the show. I would love to see it on Broadway! The music was amazing and the story was great!! I recommend this musical to EVERYONE!

the wicked trailer

He is always near...

2009-10-25T20:01:00.003-06:00

Today in Relief Society (our Sunday meetings for the women in the ward) we sang "Be Still, My Soul" ...

1. Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev’ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav’nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul: The hour is hast’ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

I wasn't sure if I would be able to get through singing the song because we sang it at Kameron's funeral as our opening humn. But, I sang and I really LISTENED to the words. What amazing promises in that hymn and what wonderful words. This has become one of my most favorite hymns.

After church, I was thinking about this hymn and I was thinking about how I chose it for Kameron's funeral. After reading a widowers blog and how he shared his experiences he had surrounding his wife's funeral. It got me thinking about the times and experiences around Kam's funeral. I got thinking, 'how did I know what to choose and how did I know what Kameron wanted for his funeral?'

I just knew.

It was like Kameron and I were sitting next to each other discussing everything. It was like he was whispering in my ear what he wanted and how the outline should be. And now that I am 2 months into this "widow thing" I am learning that Kameron WAS standing beside me telling me what he wanted. I woke up one morning and decided on 'Be Still, My Soul' for the opening hymn and why? Because Kameron wanted it and Kameron helped me to know that.

Likewise, I just knew that Kameron wanted 'Families are Forever' as the closing song. I felt so good about that choice and I knew that it's what Kameron wanted. I don't know how to explain the feeling, it's different than having guidance from the Holy Ghost, you know - the "feel-good" feeling you get when you make the right choice. Instead, it's a feeling like ... like, someone up there approves of your choices, that they are satisfied with what you've chosen and that you've listened to their desires.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about the Lord's tender mercies in this whole experience I have had (and am having) and today, as I thought about 'Familes are Forever', the experience I had in choosing it and the message it gives, I started crying as I realized that Kameron choosing this song as the closing hymn at his funeral was his way of telling me to remember this is not the end. He was reminding me that Familes CAN be Forever. He was reminding me that I am his forever & ever - as long as I stay faithful. What an amazing promise and reminder to be sent to me from Kameron. I will never forget this promise he has sent to me, as this song means more to me now than it ever has before.

I love my sweet husband. He was always thinking of me first and being there to comfort me and even when he is passed on to the other side of the veil ... he is still there to bring me peace and comfort.

*loving & missing you always, kam*

4th of July & Utah

2009-10-20T23:53:00.003-06:00

WOW ... I have been putting this blogging thing off bigtime!! Way back in July ... almost 4 months ago (!), our life was normal (crazy thing huh?) ... well sort of. Kameron was in the ER in Sierra Vista for most of the night on July 3rd. We didn't get back to see a doctor until like 1, I think? I can't remember really but, as soon as the doctor saw Kam he knew that he needed some serious medical attention. So, he did some tests and got a transfer set up. Kameron was transferred to Tucson Medical Center and got there around 5am on July 4th. I went home and got a few hours of sleep and then packed up and headed to Tucson with K.

These are some of my favorite pictures of all time. They were taken in Kameron's first hospital room, before any of the tubes or machines. He was up and walking around. These pictures are the last ones taken of him before he was confined to a bed for 6 weeks and before any awful machines were hooked up to him. I wouldn't normally take pictures of him in the hospital but, it was a holiday and this is how we spent it together.

That night K and I went to find fireworks. I remember talking to Kam on the phone and telling him how much we missed having him with us. I remember thinking holidays shouldn't be this way - we shouldn't be seperated on a holiday. But, K and I went and watched the fireworks at the base of 'A' mountain. He loved them but, they started late and we had to get to the hotel so, we left a few minutes into them.

trying to keep him entertained before the fireworks started:

watching the fireworks

The next morning we got up bright and early and headed to the airport. K and I were flying out to Utah for a little family get-together. I had been assured by Kam that I should still go, even though he was in the hospital. So, we headed out (and this is where the post gets really really long and has a ton of pictures! be prepared!) ...

K did fairly good - our flights were long because of layovers and stops but, he did pretty good. On the way from Denver (our layover) to Utah, he fell asleep! I have never been so happy to see him sleeping!

As soon as we got there on Sunday we went to Temple Square in Salt Lake for K to see everything there. I LOVE that Temple Square, SO beautiful! (And ... funny (and embarassing!) story about this temple, this last time I was in Utah I went to the Salt Lake Temple to do a session and I walked up to the temple and walked up those steps in the front, assuming that's where you go in well, nope, it's not. Totally embarassed, I walk down the stairs and find a couple standing outside the temple and I told them, "I'm from out of state, can you tell?!" Thankfully they were very nice and told me they liked my determination to get to the temple. They showed me where I WAS supposed to enter but, I felt so embarassed!! So, just so you know if you ever go to the Salt Lake Temple - don't try and go through those doors! Anyways .. back on track).

After Salt Lake we headed down to my grandparents house. K was such a clown there ... he had the audience and he was performing!! He's such a goof!

Then, Monday we went down to BYU Campus and walked around, did some shopping (where I bought a hat for Kam for his birthday, that he never got to wear). I THINK this is the day we went and ate at a really yummy Mexican resturant in Provo. And there was music playing out to the sidewalk and K was dancing away ...

Then, we drove up to Sundance and got out and walked around. I had never been up there before and it was GORGEOUS! I loved it.

Ok ... then Tuesday (for some reason I feel like I'm mixing up monday and tuesday but, whatever...) we did the Oquirrh Mountain Temple Open House. I was SO excited for K to get to go inside the temple because he loves talking about them and learning about them so, it was really neat to get to show him all of that.

And then, we headed to a park in Orem (?) for our little family get together. It was fun to spend time with family because I hadn't seem them for awhile. We played games and ate food and went swimming. K was so tired by the time we got into the pool that he fell asleep in the pool! Poor guy!
K just chillin' ...

Joined by Uncle Brad

Some tug-of-war

Playing 'Old Bloody Tom' ... it's an old family game that we've played for as long as I can remember!!

Some cousin love ... K and cousin Cameron

Then, after the park we went up to Salt Lake and went to dinner and took some family shots that Jeremy (my bro) actually took ...

The whole gang

The grandkids (well, not all of them)

Alright ... then we went to a ... space museum? Science center? (totally can't remember) ... and spent some time there before we watched a U2 laser show - very cool. K loved the show!

This cool, ball thing - kind of like the one outside of Chase Field in Phoenix except this one was 2 stories! Very fun! K loved it.

On the moon with cousin Austin

Watchin a video with Grandma

Learning about space from Jane

That night K had to say goodbye to his buddy Cameron (he is my cousin's son) ...

Then we flew home the next morning.

with our pilot! (Kam would be so proud of this picture!!)

It was a really fun trip. It was hard for me to be fully focused since Kam was in the hospital and I wasn't right there by his side but, it was still a fun little trip.

And when we got home, I got a call from Kam's nurse saying they had done some sort of procedure and had decided to put him into ICU, just as a precaution. I remember panicking that they were putting him there because I knew that only really sick people went to the ICU and when I had left, Kameron seemed to be doing okay (walking around, talking, eating, etc) ... so it came as a real shock to me that they wanted him in ICU. One thing I love about Kameron is he was always so upbeat and positive in the hospital. REGARDLESS of what was going on - he was happy. He was always like that. This day was no different. And this day happened to be his 29th birthday and it was the first time they put him on the respirator. The day we got home from our trip was the first day of many, scary and awful things.

Sorry to end on that. It seems like I can't write anything without relating it to Kam in someway. Anyways - congrats if you made it through that whole thing ... that's impressive.

Big Changes ...

2009-10-10T11:00:00.001-06:00

So, growing up I've always visited a certain place a LOVED it. I have always wanted to live in this place and thought it would be such a great place to raise a family. Kameron and I loved visiting this place together and had often talked about moving there if the opportunity was given to us. Well, after Kameron passed away I started thinking about where I wanted Kason and I to live. I considered Thatcher but after a very specific prayer I realized Thatcher was not the place for us. Instead, I was guided towards the exact place I considered a great place to live and had always considered moving. I was a little taken back because I never thought I would actually end up there! But, at the same time I was excited about the idea of it.

The more I thought about it and the more I talked with friends about it - the more it felt right. I started looking at places online and I would get so excited about it. Then, I would get pushed into the cycle of doubt and fear and I would start to ask myself, "what are you thinking?! you can't move THERE!" But, thanks to a wonderful friend who refered me to the talk "Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence" by Jeffrey R. Holland, I realized that the doubt and the fear that I was feeling was coming from Satan. He knows the potential I have and he wants to do whatever he can to keep me from succeeding! So, I pushed him in a dark closet (I WISH!) and continued on with my planning. He pops his ugly little head out once in awhile and I push him back in - reminding myself that he is there to discourage me from being happy and prosperous.

SO ... after MUCH MUCH MUCH prayer, fasting, meditating, scripture study and temple attendance I am excited to announce that Kason and I are moving to ... (okay, like 99.89% sure about the move)

Like I said I am EXCITED! But, at the same time I am nervous ... I have never lived outside of Arizona (except for when I was in Kindergarten but, I don't know if that really counts). I am nervous about the SNOW! I don't know if I even know how to drive in snow! And I will admit that I am a little nervous about leaving family and friends here in Arizona but, at the same time ... friendships don't end just because someone moves to Utah! (right?!) And I am bummed they don't have Major League Baseball but, I can overlook that.

I am excited to have a fresh start, to start over - just me and Kason. I am excited to go where nobody knows my story and what has happened in the past couple months. I am excited to go to the store and not get "sympathy stares" from people. I am excited for some new scenery and some seasons! I am just excited about it! I feel like there are some great opportunities up there for me and Kason. I can never know if I like it if I don't give it a shot!

So, I am going up on Tuesday to find a place for me and Kason to live and assuming I don't get an awful feeling about the move while I'm there - we'll be moving in the next few weeks. I can't wait for this new chapter and I will keep all you avid readers up to date! :) Oh ... and you all will always have a place to stay in Utah now! (just don't mind the fact that it will probably be a couch or the floor!)

News : Friends hold memorial concert for Kameron Haban - Eastern Arizona Courier

2009-10-10T00:43:00.001-06:00

News : Friends hold memorial concert for Kameron Haban - Eastern Arizona Courier

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A few orders of business ...

2009-10-07T12:18:00.002-06:00

I LOVE this tip!!! I use it all the time and I can't remember the last time I actually logged into Google Reader ... seriously CHECK IT OUT! You'll love it too!
I am considering going private with my blog ... I'm not sure how I feel about it. I definately have mixed emotions about the change. I know I have thought about it before but now I have completely different reasons for going private.
I am also seriously go to try really really hard to get back into the swing of blogging normal, "everyday" things ... I have over 3 months of stuff to blog about that I don't want to leave out of the record books!!
Kason and I got our pictures taken by the amazing Ashley Madsen last week ... I LOVE THESE PICTURES! I will post about the weekend adventure soon (I hope) but in the mean time check out the picture preview HERE.
And ... finally ... sadly, but surely - I need to find a home for our sweet dog, Dixie. This BREAKS MY HEART to do because Dixie is the dog that Kam and I have had since we were first married. She is "Kam's Dog". She is such a sweet sweet dog and I hate to have to find a home for her but, I just can't handle a dog and a toddler all on my own - not to mention the fact that I am having the hardest time finding a home that accepts pets! She really is a super sweet dog - she is just kind of hyper. But, she LOVES kids and is so good with them. She does okay with other dogs but, really does best if she is the one and only. If anybody knows of an incredible home where Dixie would be welcomed PLEASE let me know - this is really really hard for me to do and I want her to go to the best home possible.

THANK YOU! :)

179th General Conference: October 2009

2009-10-04T23:50:00.003-06:00

In our church, they hold a conference two times a year that is broadcast to all of the members of the church, all over the world. We hear from our Prophet, Thomas S. Monson, his counselors, the apostles of the church and other leaders in the church. I LOVE General Conference and really look forward to it each April and October. It is a time where I am able to receive personal guidance from our Prophet and from the Lord's leaders and it is a time for me to feel refreshed and refueled. I was ESPECIALLY looking forward to it this time. Yesterday and today were the days that the conference was held. Last Saturday was the General Relief Society Broadcast.

This year I decided to ask 3 questions that I wanted answered during the course of the Conference. I wasn't sure what type of answers I would get but, I was amazed at the exactness of the answers I received - they were exactly the things that I needed to hear.

1) Why must I go through this trial of losing my husband?

Elder L. Whitney Clayton said:
"Our trials are only a small moment. If we endure them well, we will be exalted above."
"Our burdens help us develop empathy for others....We must mourn with those who mourn, comfort those in need of comfort."

2) How can I still be a good mom to Kason?

Elder David Bednar gave the following guidelines of what we need to be consistent with in our homes:

1. Express love and SHOW it: sincerely and frequently express love. Say I love you often, mean it when you say it and consistently show it.
2. Bear testimony and LIVE it: Bear your testimony to your children OFTEN, set an EXAMPLE
3. Be consistent: Consistently have family prayer, family scripture and Family Home Evening. "Each prayer, scripture study and Family Home Evening are individual "brush strokes" that develop our life"

3) What place do I, as young widow and young single mother, have in the church?

I go back to the Relief Society Broadcast for this answer when Sister Silvia H. Allred said:

"Whether you are young or old, single or married, widowed or living in a family, we want you to bless your life and home with the influence and power of Relief Society. There is a great need to rally the women of the Church to move the work forward. We invite you to minister with your powerful influence for good in strengthening our families, our church and our communities. You are a much needed force for love, truth and righteousness in this world. We need you to nurture families, friends and neighbors. It is through you that God's perfect love for each and all of his children is made manifest."

She went on to say that "Relief Society needs you, and you need Relief Society"

I feel SO blessed to have been able to receive these answers - it proves to me that the Lord knew my concerns and he opened my heart to be able to hear these answers. I am SO grateful for the blessing of General Conference. I am amazed at the difference it makes in my life. When I was younger I could have cared less about conference and took it as an opportunity to take an uninterrupted nap. But, now, I realize the importance of it and the blessing that it is for us to hear from the Prophet of the Lord and receive the counsel that he has been inspired to share!!

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is such an amazing blessing in my life!!

Things are hard.

2009-10-03T00:49:00.005-06:00

This is what my husband looked like most of the time he was in the hospital. Tubes all over; down his throat, his nose, all over his arms. I got pretty good at explaining to visitors what all the tubes were. I knew their names and what they did.

It's hard to look at this picture because this was so much of my life for July and most of August. There were a few days in those couple months where the tube was out of his throat and I was able to hear his voice, but I haven't heard Kameron's voice since July 21st, the day they put the respirator tube in for the 3rd, and final, time - 4 weeks before he passed away.

Wow, I can't believe it's been over two months since I have heard his voice.

I also wasn't able to have much communication with him since July 21st. He was heavily sedated the 3rd time around, so he couldn't write, sign or communicate in any way. When they did wake him up after 3 weeks on the respirator, he was so weak, he could barely move his fingers. I hate reliving July & August but it seems to come to my mind several times a day.

Things are hard right now. I keep thinking about my life, how bad I miss Kam, how lonely I feel, what I am going to have to face and it's hard to not break down into tears over these things. Life is scary & hard right now. I try to be positive and have faith but, decisions are so hard to make without a spouse to help you decide. I feel like I take a step in the right direction and then something happens or someone says something and I take 2 steps backwards. I want to know I am making the right decisions for me and Kason but, it's so hard to not have Kam standing there, looking me in the eyes and saying "I support you, whatever you decide."

Right now, I hate a lot of things. I hate how the "world" says I am not married anymore. I hate having to check the "not married" box for legal things. I hate having to admit that I am a widow. I hate the way people look at me from across the room. I hate getting medical bills in the mail for Kameron. I hate having to take care of all the "widow tasks". I hate the fact that I have death certificates in my files. I hate going through all of our things and being reminded of Kam in every box I open. I hate all of the things I have to consider about my future. I hate that I am not being the best mom possible to Kason. I hate that I have to wait, who knows how long, before I can see Kam again. I hate any word that reminds me of death or funerals.

Things are just hard right now. Maybe the shock of everything is starting to wear off? Maybe I am really lacking in my faith? Maybe I'm just having a rough couple of days. I don't know, but I don't like it.

How do I get back to the place where I was okay with everything? Where I was excited for my future? How do I find my inner-peace again? How do I remember the reassurance I felt when making my decisions?

Maybe General Conference has come at a perfect time for me.

I need this weekend more than ever right now.

Let's hope I get back to my *happy place* by Monday.

The Final Moments

2009-09-23T14:39:00.004-06:00

When I think of the Monday before Kameron passed away it brings back so many emotions; contentment, gratitude and sorrow but mostly, I feel blessed to have had that last day together.

That Monday morning I met Cindy Hatch and Kay Ellet for lunch. We spent a few minutes at the hospital and I would ask Kameron if he recognized them, he shook his head yes and I was so excited for that. If you remember we were afraid Kameron might have extensive brain damage so, anytime he would recognize someone - I was overjoyed. As we were leaving they were trying to get Kameron's breathing tube to work correctly. They were afraid there might be a leak in it. I remember hoping they would just get the trach put in.

The whole time we were at lunch I had an antsy feeling to get back to the hospital but, I tried to push it aside and spend sometime away from there and with friends. Right as we were loading up the kids in the car, the infectious disease doctor called and told me the news about the valley fever. That is when she told me how life threatening everything is. As we drove back to the hospital I felt so sick to my stomach. It seemed like it took forever to get there. As Cindy parked and I climbed out, I said good-bye to Kason - who was on his way to Thatcher to spend time with the Warrens there. As soon as I turned my back, I burst into tears. I was so scared for Kameron and I felt like I needed Kason there for my strength. I tried to fight back the tears as I walked down the hall towards his room.

Once I got to his room I was glad to see him awake. His respirator sounded a lot better than it had before I left. I sat and talked with Kameron for a bit before he dozed off. The entire time I was there I had a nagging feeling to spend ALL my extra time with him when he was awake. I would sit and occupy my time until I saw that he was awake and then I would pull up a chair and sit there, holding his hand and talking to him. I would ask him if he could move his hands or if he remembered certain things. He always would and I would be so proud of him. I remember being very emotional that Monday. I remember a certain time where I was holding his hand and I looked into his eyes and I started thinking, "This poor man is suffering so badly. It's not fair, I just want him to be better." I started crying and wishing for everything to be over and better.

As I sat by his bed, right before leaving, I was holding his hand and I asked him, "can you squeeze my hand 3 times?" ... he squeezed my hand 3 times and then he kept going. He squeezed my hand as many times as his strength would allow him to. Probably 15 or 20 times. I was so proud of the strength he had! And then, I looked into Kameron's eyes and that is when I saw two tear drops fall from his eyes. He had a look of sorrow in his eyes. I told him, "You know, you're going to be okay right?" He slightly nodded his head yes. I patted his arm and told him, "I love you so, so much Kameron. You know that right?" And again, he nodded his head yes. I told him that I was getting ready to go but, I would be back on Wednesday. I couldn't stop telling him I loved him, I probably told him 5 or 6 times how much I loved him. As I got ready to walk out I told him, "I will see you soon, I promise." And those, are the last words that I said to my sweet husband.

Now, I am grateful for SO MANY things that happened that day. I am grateful that I had previously planned on sending Kason to Thatcher so that I could have undivided attention for Kameron. I am grateful for the promptings to spend extra time with Kameron. I am grateful for his strength in our final moments together. I am grateful for the things that I said to him.

I believe that he knew his Spirit was about the leave his body and that his body would stay and fight for a little while longer. I know that he was squeezing my hand as his way to say, "I love you, I will miss you but, I will be with you again. Be strong, be strong for yourself and be strong for Kason. You can do this, Goon. You are stronger than you think you are." He was crying those tears because he wanted so bad to say those things and he was feeling so much sorrow about leaving me behind. But at the same time, he knew exactly where he was going and what was in store for him. That brings me so much peace now.

I just have SO much gratitude for that last day we had together. I can't imagine if I had said different things, or if I hadn't said anything at all. What if I hadn't felt the need to spend extra time with him that day? I will always hold this day very close to my heart. It means so much to me to have these memories with him.

As I left his hospital room, I cried all the way to the car. I wasn't sure why I was so emotional. I just had so much love for Kameron that day and I wanted so much for all of his pain to be over with. Now, I am glad his pain is gone. It's hard to explain the feelings that a spouse goes through as you watch your best friend suffer the worst pain ever, to watch them constantly struggle for their life. So, from that point of view - I thank Heavenly Father that he finally put an end to Kameron's suffering. In a way, that makes all of this a little easier.

Monday night and Tuesday I was very emotional. I had a huge knot in my stomach both days. As I talked to his nurses, I knew that things weren't going well at the hospital but, I tried to stay positive. As I look back at the whole experience, I understand why things weren't going well, his body was trying to stay alive without a spirit to keep it alive.

What an amazing, spiritual experience those last couple days before his passing were for me. They weren't at the time, at the time I was going through them, they were just like any other day. But, as I look back, I can see the Lord's hand in his final day here on earth and in the last few hours we had together. I am grateful for that and for the Lord's understanding and love towards each of us.

And if I could say anything to Kameron, I wouldn't change anything I said I would still tell him,

"I will see you soon, I promise."

9/19/09 - One Month

2009-09-19T09:00:00.005-06:00

One month ago today is the day that Kameron passed away. This past month has gone F-A-S-T and at the same time it has seemed to last forever. I wasn't sure what my emotions would be today as I deal with the one month point of Kameron's death but, I don't think I expected to be so put together and ready to move on. But, at the same time so lonely. I also feel overwhelmed with all the things that are still going on and I am still having to take care of. I am overwhelmed with all the decisions that are having to be made all by myself - I'm not used to that. I am used to being able to turn to Kameron and ask his opinion.

As I look back over the past several weeks of hospital visits, numerous doctors, nurses, a sick husband, and then the end result, I realized that Heavenly Father really was preparing me for this. I just wasn't willing to listen and accept it.

Dr. Hueng would tell us almost every day, "Kameron is very very sick, but we are going to do everything we can to get him better. Just remember how sick he is." And a nurse once said, "IF he makes it through this ..." And at the time I was annoyed that she would say that! I also remember the infectious disease doctor telling me that the valley fever and the CMV on top of his lupus were very life threatening. That was just 2 days before he died. At the time that I would hear these things I was thinking, "don't say those things! He will be fine, he will make it, he's strong!" I remember the blessings that he was given come back to my mind and I would think, "see, they just don't understand because they don't know the blessings he has been promised."

Well, now I realize that they really did know and it was almost as if Heavenly Father was trying to get me to realize that Kameron might not make it. I was just too stubborn and I didn't want to think of that. I was stuck on the fact that Kameron's blessings would need to be fulfilled on earth. Maybe them saying those things has somehow, subconsciously, made things a little easier for me ... maybe not. But, I have been blessed with strength to make it through this past month, sometimes, amounts of strength I wouldn't have thought possible. As much as I don't want to make plans for my future that don't include Kameron, I know that it's something that needs to be done. I know that Kameron wouldn't want me to sit around and do nothing with my life. Kameron is my motiviation to get my life rolling again. Kason is my reason.

That's not to say that I don't still have difficult days. Every minute of every day is hard for me. It's hard for me to not look at Kason doing something fun and thinking, 'I wish Kameron could be here to do this with us.' But at the same time - I KNOW he is there with us, he is just experiencing it in a completely different way. He is still cheering us on and laughing at Kason's goofiness. It's hard for me to pass a restaurant that we loved eating at or a hotel where we spent a weekend and have those memories flood into my mind. I LOVE the memories but they are also a constant reminder that he is no longer here, physically. That is really hard.

I also have moments where I feel so lost. There could be 100 people around me and I would still feel lonely and lost. There are times where I just want to cry. The hardest times for me is when I think back to the day he passed away. It's so hard for all those emotions to come back to me. Remembering the fear and uncertainty as I drove to the hospital and the doctor's words, "It doesn't look good," continually running through my mind. Remembering the words the nurse said, "this is his body's way of dying." Watching his heartrate flatline and him coding and then finally just nothing. His body being still as they turned off all his machines.

I remember before he passed away the tech was standing by his bed trying so hard to get a blood pressure or a pulse. He would look at me with sorrow written all over his face. I couldn't look at him because then I would get drawn into accepting that Kameron was about to pass away. I didn't want to think that was an option so, I stood there, staring at the ground and occasionally looking up at Kameron's poor body that was barely putting out a strong heartbeat and his lungs not even getting oxygen to most of his body. His coloring was awful, I remember that was the first thing I thought when I walked into his room that morning. Avoiding any eye contact with the nurses was my state of shock, my way of not wanting to accept it. Not letting my brain think what everyone else knew was going to happen. I would clench my teeth so I didn't have to cry. I was so annoyed at the nurses who kept bringing in boxes of kleenex and I wanted to yell at them, "we don't NEED THOSE! this isn't going to happen!!!!"

It was a long hour between the time they told us he was passing away and the time he actually did. I wish I had said something but, what would have been the point? Kameron wasn't even in his body at that time - he was rotating between all of us, providing us with comfort. I remember saying that life isn't fair and asking why this had to happen to me?

At the time that Kameron passed away, I felt so weak. I didn't feel strong enough to have to go through this. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to learn from all of this and kept asking the pathetic, "why me?!" question. But, as I look back over the past month - I can see how much I have learned and how much I have grown. There have always been parts of the gospel that I have heard about and learned about growing up but it's hard to really understand some of those things, until you're really needing to put them into action.

One of these days I will write down all that I have learned about the gospel in the past month. I feel like a better person, a stronger member of the church, a better mom and wife, and I feel like I can be a better example to those around me because of what I have learned.

So, it definately has not been an easy month by any means! I have had good days and bad days, emotional days and depressed days but each of those days has taught me something about myself and about the importance of the gospel in my life.

I am actually excited for the future that I am planning for me and Kason. Yes, there are some scary parts to it but, it's exciting to think about what opportunities are in store for us on our new journey. And I know that if it's meant to be - then it will all work out somehow!

I have survived the past month and if I can make it through the 30-days following my best friends death - I can make it through anything.

I want to take 2 seconds and thank EACH OF YOU who reads this for your prayers, your financial support, your sympathy cards, your love, your offers of service, for everything you have all done. You are amazing to step up to the plate and be there for me and Kason - it means the world to me! There are so many wonderful people in this world and I am so blessed to be surrounded by so many of them!! I love each and every one of you and I seriously cannot thank you enough for everything that has been done for us this past month.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

You have made this past month possible to survive.

Things I LOVE about my Kam ...

2009-09-14T22:46:00.011-06:00

his laugh

his smile

his sense of humor

his deep love for me and kason

his love and understanding of the gospel

his love for his friends

his cooking (i miss this SOOO bad!!)

his love for sports and constant need to watch ESPN

his unselfish attitude

his testimony

his willing attitude

his good looks

his large circle of friends (we couldn't ever go anywhere without running into SOMEONE he knew!)

his balding spots

his ability to learn quick and remember what he learned

his interaction with kason

his Priesthood and willingness to use it

his desire to serve

his style

his courage

his spontinaity

his text messages

his determination to get things done and get them done right

his white shoes that had to be cleaned before everytime he wore them

his jokes (and our inside jokes!)

his cuddles

his confidence

his funness

his knowledge about EVERYTHING!

his singing

his stubborness

his whining

his toughness

his voice

his energy

his athletic abilities

his quick phone calls just to say "hi" & "i love you!"

his nickname for me ("goon")

his desire to be better and work harder

his competitiveness

his love for the scriptures

his care free attitude

his ironing skills

his sarcasm

his handyman skills

his love for his mission; his companions and the people of Cambodia

his hardworking attitude

his willingness to watch chick flicks with me

his willingness to drive everywhere - even on long trips

his spoiling me

his e-mails he would send from work

his words, "I love you just the way you are!"

his spoiling kason

his strength

his love to travel

his patience

his love for everyone he met

his dance moves

his giving attitude

his tv shows that he loved to watch

his kisses

his hoodies collection

his cute face

his pranks

his eyes

his hands and how he always wanted to hold mine (and the certain way we had to do it from day one!)

his missionary work and constant desire to share the gospel

his gospel insight

his sewing skills

his back scratches

his massages

his words "i love you SOOOOO much"

his hair gel that he was obsessed about

his family home evening lessons

his excitement over the little things in life

his baking

his love for his dog, dixie

his willingness to fold the laundry

his willingness to do the dishes

his sunglasses

his eye for decorating

his ears (one stuck out more than the other)

his words and notes

his creativity (especially in ways of expressing his love and ideas for dates!)

his opinion

his handwriting

his love for broadway musicals

his be-boppin' skills

his ridiculous amount of clothes and shoes

his love for hip-hop

his bad habits (all of them!)

his rope bracelets

his willingness to always try something new

his willingness to teach kason

his time devoted to being the best husband and the best dad possible

his time spent with me and kason doing fun, memorable things

his desire to always make me happy - no matter what

his love of hunting and outdoorsy stuff

his leadership skills

his eagerness to apologize

his want to give us the best life possible

his work outfits; polo, slacks and dress shoes

his love for WHITE hats

his love towards his brothers

his devotion to the D-backs (even when they were awful!)

his support towards me, no matter what i was doing

his stories

his example

his face when he was frustrated or annoyed

his willingness to let me win and be "right"

his clutter

his smell

his worthiness

his choice to marry me in the temple

just ... HIM.

I miss Kameron every minute of every day more than I could ever explain and I miss so many of these things about him!

It's amazing how losing someone makes you miss (and love!) all the things that used to drive you crazy about them. I used to HATE that he never put the toilet seat down but, now, I wish that I had to put it down everytime I went in the bathroom. I used to hate how he would never fold his socks in pairs, he would just stuff them in his drawer but now, I find myself doing the exact same thing. I especially used to hate that his shoes were always scattered all over the house but now, I wishing they were still there for me to trip over.

Even though I miss all of these things about him, they are still who Kameron is. He didn't become less selfless because he died, he didn't lose his love for baseball - he is still Kameron! He has the same personality and the same knowledge. If anything it has only been magnified with the knowledge he now has!!

And the best part about it, is I can still have all the memories about him! I just have to close my eyes and remember. Kameron will be there to help me remember all the things I love so much about him. I won't ever forget the kind of amazing man he was here on earth. I am excited to find out what kind of amazing man he has become in heaven, I can only imagine the things he has learned and the ways he has grown! He is one amazing man. I cannot wait to hold his hand again, in just a little while.

How lucky am I to be able to call him my Eternal Companion?!

What a BLESSING Eternal Marriages are!!!!

2009-09-13T17:45:00.001-06:00

Feel free to post this to your blog to get the word out!

Kam ...

2009-09-06T22:49:00.002-06:00

If I had known back then, what I know now .....

I wouldn't have gone to Utah and I would have spent those few days with you before you went on the respirator for the rest of your life.

When we were at home, I would have turned the computer off just 10 minutes sooner and spent more time with you.

I would have never let go at night and held you all night long.

I would have kissed you a lot more.

I would have woken up 30 minutes earlier in the morning to spend some extra time with you.

I would have never complained about all the things that used to drive me crazy and now, I really miss them all.

I would have told you 'I love you' a lot more than I did.

I would have never yelled at you and always let you know how much I appreciate you.

I would have stayed at the hospital more than I did.

I would have let you choose the movies more often or where to go out to eat.

I would have let you be right more.

I would have appreciated you more, loved you more, cared for you more, been less selfish and more giving.

I am hurting for you. My heart ACHES to have you by my side. I am so lonely without you. This isn't my life, it doesn't seem normal and it doesn't come naturally. I work everyday to be happy ... I never had to do that with you by my side.

I may regret a a lot of things that I didn't do, or wish I had done differently, but, I will never, ever regret choosing you to be my best friend, my soul mate and my eternal companion.

I am so sorry for all the things I should have done but didn't and I am sorry for all the times I should have been there and wasn't. I will make it up to you, somehow ... someday. I promise you that!!

I will love you forever and for always, no matter what, Kam.

Funeral Friday

2009-09-04T14:52:00.000-06:00

Last Friday were Kameron's funeral services. It was a LONG, emotional, exhausting day. But, we survived to tell about it.

I didn't sleep much the night before, just tossing and turning, thinking about what I was going to have to do the next day, worrying about things and if everything had gotten done. 6:30am came way too early the next morning! Breakfast wasn't even an option for me, I was so sick to my stomach. We hurried to get ready and headed out the door to the church.

When we got to the church we had to get the memory table set up. We had pictures of Kam as a baby and a little boy, pictures of EAC days and our marriage and family. I had brought a baseball glove, his scriptures, memoires from his mission, a BYU hat, and a few other things that just reminded me of Kam. After we got that set up I was able to greet family and friends and breathe a little. I was amazed at all the beautiful flower arrangements that were in the chapel. As we moved to the family viewing, there were even more! It was great to have tangible things that showed us people were thinking of us. {thank you.}

It was nice to be in the family viewing with just our families. It was a quiet time for us to all enjoy each others company and say our final good-bye's to Kam before the closed the casket. At 9:30 the funeral coordinator closed the casket and opened the doors to friends who had been invited in. A long line of friends, ward members, mission companions and Presidents, & co-workers all filed through. I couldn't tell you every person that came through but the hardest people to see as they passed through were Kameron's old college buddies {Tyler, Mason, Ben, Jade} ... I could tell that they were having the hardest time being there and it was really really hard for me to see them. After the line had died down, we had a family prayer, given by Matt. And then we filed into the chapel.

The services were beautiful. Everyone did an amazing job. I had hoped to get it recorded for family members that couldn't be there but, that didn't work out. But, it really was an amazing service. It was a relief to see it all put together and go smoothly.

The opening song was, "Be Still, My Soul." and a prayer given by Mike Goodman.

Mason Nicholls gave Kameron's life sketch and did an amazing job. They were the best of friends and Mason knew things about Kam that nobody else knew. I was grateful that Mason took the time out of his training (for I.C.E.) to be there. It meant alot to me and I am sure to Kam.

Ammon Matsuda, a friend of Kam's from Japan, was able to be here (he now lives in Dallas, TX). And he spoke about Kam as well. They were such good friends back when Kameron and his family lived in Japan and they have kept in touch all these years. Ammon did such a great job and it was fun to hear some of the stories he told because I hadn't heard a lot of them! Ammon was the one who read that letter, posted previously.

After Ammon spoke, my cousin Emily, sang "The Test" by, Janice Kapp Perry and did a BEAUTIFUL job. It is such a beautiful song and was perfect for the services.

Bishop Barkdull gave some remarks followed by President Goates. I WISH that I had been able to hear there talks better but, Kason was starting to get fidgety.

Closing song was, "Families are Forever" with a closing song by Merri Regimballe.

We then filed out of the chapel and they loaded the casket into the vehicle. We all gathered around and as people came out they gave hugs and visited. After {lots} of visiting and hugs and offers of help, we headed out towards Thatcher for the burial.

That too was a beautiful service. It would have been even more beautiful if it hadn't been 106 degrees!!! But, it was quick and nice. Bishop Sanders conducted and Daniel gave an opening prayer. Then members (new and old) of the EAC A Capella choir sang, "The Lord Bless You and Keep You." and then Art gave the dedicatory prayer followed by a few remarks by Bishop Sanders and the closing prayer by my Grandpa Davies. After the closing prayer we scattered flower petals on the casket and sent balloons up to heaven for Daddy.

I was amazed at how many people were there at the graveside. It was wonderful have so much support on such a tough day. I had found out later that the attendance at the funeral was amazing as well, they had to keep putting up more and more chairs as people kept showing up. That was so neat for me to hear and know that Kameron had touched so many lives. It made people willing to sacrifice a lot to be there to show their support for him and our family. It was really wonderful. So, since I will never be able to thank each of you individually - THANK YOU for being there and for showing your support, love and concern. It means more to me than you will ever know. It really was wonderful to see you all there.

So, after the graveside, and after they lowered his casket down, we headed to the Thatcher Stake Center for a yummy meal that our old ward had prepared for us! It was really nice to just relax in a cool building, visit with family and old ward members. A nice way to end the day.

It really was a LONG day. I had never been so tired in my life! I was physically, emotionally and spiritually EXHAUSTED. But, it was good to have it over with and I think that some really good, positive memories were made that day.

I was amazed at the strength I had to get through the day and I kept wondering, "why aren't I crying?? What's wrong with me?". And I will be honest in saying, I don't think alot of that strength was my own. I think it was from you guys, from people praying for me to have the strength and comfort to make it through the day. I also didn't feel Kameron very close to me the day of the funeral. It wasn't a bad thing, I realized later that I didn't need him that day, I had other forms of strength to get me through the day. I think that other family members needed to feel him closer than I did on Friday. I hope that they were able to feel his love and feel his comfort as their mourned his passing. I also pray that they will always remember the words that were spoken about the Plan of Salvation and that they can remember the promises that come from it.

Kameron's funeral day was a good day. It was a hard day, but has been nice to have it over with. It was wonderful to meet some family for the first time and see others that I have met before. I was grateful for the support that was shown on my side of the family, for those who traveled to be there. I was amazed at the love and support that was shown on the day of the funeral. I was, and still am, grateful for the gospel, for the promises we have been given and the the knowledge that we have.

Kameron is in a beautiful resting spot and his body is prepared for the Resurrection - and for that, I am very very grateful. I cannot wait until the day comes that I am able to leave this mortal life and be buried next to my husband. It is only but a little while.

Dear Kam,

2009-09-02T14:03:00.001-06:00

This is a letter that was read during Kameron's funeral services:

My dear, sweet Kameron,

It’s hard to know what to say that you don’t already know. But, I want you to know how much you mean to me. You are the best person to come into my life and you have changed the person I am and the type of person I will become. You have taught me so many things that I will never forget. And I am so grateful for the gift you have left behind for me, our sweet little boy, Kason. He is such a joy and reminds me so much of you. He has so much of you in him, in his personality, his looks, his attitude and especially his stubbornness! Thank you for Kason and thank you for everything that you taught him and the time you spent with him. You are an amazing dad and I know you will watch over Kason and help him grow up strong.

When I think back to our dating days, I remember having so much fun with you. There wasn’t a day that went by that I wasn’t excited to see you and spend all my extra time with you. I was so excited when I realized that I loved you and wanted to spend the rest of eternity with you and I was even more thrilled when you said you felt the same way. On our wedding day, as we knelt across the alter from each other, and we began our new life together, we had no idea what was in store for us but, it didn’t matter because we were in love and we were to be together for eternity. I remember thinking that with you by my side we could make it through anything.

Kameron, I am so grateful for the wonderful 5 years we were able to share together, here on earth. I have so many memories with you that I will never forget. You have made such a difference in my life and I have grown so much in the past 5 years because of what you have taught me and because of your example. You are such strong priesthood holder and you have such a solid testimony of the gospel.

I think that is why our Heavenly Father needs you home with Him. You will be such a strong instrument in heaven as you teach the gospel there. Your love and compassion for others will help you as you teach. You are an elite member of Heavenly Father’s army now and you are preparing the way for me and Kason so that we can all be reunited again.

It has been so hard to live my life without you next to me and it is hard to think about my future. But, I KNOW that you are happy and healthy. I know that your body is whole and that your mind is sharp. All the things that were promised to you have been fulfilled. I am scared for my life without you but, I cannot WAIT for our eternity together. We have so much life left to live together and I can’t wait to raise our children together and serve missions together. I know that there is so much left for us to do together. That is why I am so grateful we were sealed for time and all eternity. Your leaving this mortal life is not the end of our life together. This time that I have left on the earth is only a small moment in our eternity.

Kason and I will be okay. He will always know what an amazing father he has. I have so many wonderful stories to tell him about you. I know that you won’t ever leave us and you will always be by our sides helping us through this life. I love you so very much and miss you more than words could ever explain but, I am happy for you and where you are. You are in a much better place and I find myself jealous at times that you have been freed from this mortal life. See you in a little while my sweet husband.

With much love,
Your Eternal Companion, Jami

8/26: One week

2009-08-26T23:40:00.002-06:00

Whoever thought up the word widow, is awful. What a horrible word "widow" is! It makes me feel like I am 80 years old. But, it is the title that I have now been given by society.

I have been a widow for one week now. And I survived. I will say that the first 72 hours were the WORST to get through. After those first three days, I started to think a little clearer and actually be able to focus on some things.

I still have a hard time being alone and I sleep with the light on. But, atleast I am able to get out of bed in the morning and face the day. I cannot eat in the mornings though or I just throw it right back up. I have no appetite and no matter how much I sleep at night I am still exhausted. But, I would assume these are all normal things for just losing a spouse.

This past Saturday we went to the Gila Valley to pick out the cemetery where Kameron will be buried. As soon as we started walking around the Central Cemetery I KNEW that is where he should be buried. The view is beautiful, it is surrounded by mountains and just down the hill is the Gila Valley Temple. It is so perfect.

Everything is coming together for the funeral and I am so pleased with how it looks. It will be nice to have Friday over with, it's going to be a long, emotional day! But, we are hoping to make some good memories as well.

Today I went to the temple and I was a little nervous about going. Maybe because I didn't really know what to expect? My mind was all over the place and I had a really hard time concentrating but, as I got into the Celestial Room, I had an overwhelming feeling of peace and comfort. My life is in the hands of our Heavenly Father. He is directing my path and whatever is placed in my path can be conquered with the help of Him. It doesn't make me miss Kameron less and it doesn't take away my lonely feeling but, it does give me the reassurance that I need to make it through each day. He is not going to leave me standing alone on the side of the road.

It was a good day but it was exhausting, it sure is a long drive with a two year old!!! But, he's a trooper. Thank heavens for temples and for the blessings that we receive there.

Only one more day until the funeral ... I cannot wait to have Friday over with.

8/21: What a LONG day!

2009-08-21T22:25:00.003-06:00

Today was such a LONG day. This morning we headed to the funeral home and met with them to get everything squared away. We picked out Kam's casket and it's a beautiful pine wood casket, that costs WAY too much money. We scheduled the times for everything and squared away all of that. We filled out paper work and choked a little bit when we saw the final price. I think it's a little unfair that putting someone in the ground costs so much money. But, the hardest part of all of that is over with. I started crying when he started to fill out the death certificate and asked me how to spell Kam's name ... and then I think I got over it when I went into shock over the price of the caskets. Then we sat in the room and joked together, Kameron is hating having to see us mourn right now - he wants us to continue living our lives like we did before, full of love and laughter.

Then, we met with the Bishop to figure out the program for the services. I feel really good about what we have outlined. I know that Kameron will be happy with it. And I know that if it goes over an hour, Kam's going to get impatient. ;)

I left for a bit this afternoon and went to the church baseball fields and let some emotions out. It was a hard, emotional day. I needed some answers and some comfort and I am feeling very comforted right now. I know that tomorrow morning I will have to wake up and pray for that same strength and comfort that I feel right now. It's funny how each morning when I wake up I feel sick to my stomach about going through another day and I'm emotional and exhausted and as the day goes on I feel more and more comforted with each prayer and each experience that I have.

I know that lots of people look at me and see strength and lots of faith but, let me tell you that when I look in the mirror I don't always see that. I see a little girl who is being broken down by tragedy and I am constantly lifted up by YOUR prayers, love, support, comments, emails, texts, phone calls (even though I never answer them), everything ... YOU are the strength that gets me through this. I take your strength and hold onto it because that is what gets me through my days.

Each day will get a little easier and each day I will experience new and different emotions and thoughts.

And for those who want to know:

Kameron's funeral services will be as follows:

Funeral: Friday, August 28th
10:00 am
Sierra Vista, AZ Stake Center (2100 Yaqui St. Sierra Vista, AZ 85650)

Graveside Services: Friday, August 28th
2:00 pm (roughly)
Thatcher, AZ (Cemetary TBD)

More information will follow as we work out all the little details. Love to you ALL. I can't do this without you!

8/20: The Morning After

2009-08-20T07:52:00.003-06:00

Tuesday when I would talk to Kameron's doctor's and nurses they all said that Kameron had really taken a turn for the worse. He was on 3 blood pressure medications to keep his blood pressure elevated but, it continued to fall. His vent settings were at 100% but, his saturation continued to drop. I talked to the nurse Tuesday night and she said that he was very unresponsive and weak. We had a planned meeting with one of his doctors Wednesday morning so I was planning on heading up there.

When I called the hospital Wednesday morning his nurse said that he was a lot of the same. Low oxygen saturation and low blood pressure. I then talked to his pulmonologist who told me that I needed to come, and bring the family - he said, "it really doesn't look good right now."

I had the biggest knot in my stomach as I got ready to leave. On the drive, as soon as I passed the Border Patrol CheckPoint, I started praying. I was crying and praying and asking Heavenly Father to please not take my best friend! I can't do it without him. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. After praying for those things, my prayers slowly turned to prayers of asking Him to follow through with his promises, the blessings that have been given throughout this, I asked Him to keep those promises. I knew that He would, and at the time, I was certain that those promises were to be fulfilled on earth.

As I got to the hopsital, my mom and brother were there, as we walked into the hospital room Kameron looked so awful. He had hardly any coloring left, he was completely unresponsive, the nurse told us that even though he has been on 3 blood pressure medications, they still haven't been able to get any type of blood pressure reading. His oxygen saturation levels were in the 30s & 40s. Over night his heart had gone into rapid heartbeat and then parts of his heart would stop working. The only thing going strong when I got to the hospital was his heartbeat. The nurse told us that this was Kameron's way of passing. She asked me if his heart was to stop if I wanted them to do CPR. At that time, I said yes. It only made sense to me, I thought he had some fight left in him.

I was angry. I was looking towards the heavens saying, "You PROMISED, You PROMISED! How could You do this to me?" I kept thinking that there would be a miracle, and Kameron would be fine. I was praying for one. And then, I heard a voice tell me, "He never said those promises were for earth." And then I knew. I couldn't go near him, I was in shock. I didn't cry, I didn't hold his hand. I didn't even say good-bye but, I know that doesn't matter because he was right there beside me through all of this.

And then, it happened. At around 10am Kameron coded. His nurse rushed in and did what I had told her to do, she hit the blue "code" button and the alarm sounded. At least 15 nurses rushed into Kameron's tiny room and his nurse started doing CPR. I started crying hysterically and his doctor came in a told me, "you don't want him to suffer like this, do you?" I looked to my mom, for answers but, it was all up to me. Then I looked at Kameron, the nurse pounding on his chest. I saw his heartrate climb to 84 and that gave me a glimmer of hope. But then I realized it's only because she was beating it for him and I knew there was nothing to be done. I yelled at them, through my tears, "JUST STOP! PLEASE STOP!" And that was it. A few tears were shed by the nurses and then Kameron's machines were turned off and the room cleared out.

I sat there in shock. He was gone and it seemed so impossible. I cried & cried until I had no tears left. I sat there and looked at his poor, sick body. I didn't even know what to do. I just sat there, numb. Nurses came in and paid their condolences and I numbly hugged each of them and thanked them for all they did, they really were a great team of nurses for Kameron. He had gotten the best care possible.

I sat in his room for awhile, checking my phone for Kara or Laurel to say they were there. I needed to talk to someone other than family - my family was grieving too and I just needed some support from someone who wasn't going through the same type of hurt. Art & Elena left occasionally to make or answer phone calls. Mom & Jesse were in and out of the room. And I just sat there, in disbelief that this is my life now. I thought of all the things that will change. I thought about what my days will be like now. I thought about how it will be possible to even make it day by day with out my husband's hand to hold. I thought about Kason, how would he handle all of this, what would I tell him?

I remember saying, "This isn't fair!" And it's not fair, at all, to any of us. But, we aren't in control of our lives and it isn't up to us to decide if things that happen to us are fair or not.

Then around 11:30, Kara said she was there. I rushed out of Kameron's room to go find Kara. While I was walking around looking for Kara, I got a text from Laurel saying she had just found out, word was starting to spread. When I found Kara, she ran towards me crying. I just cried and hugged her. She was saying, "I'm so sorry, Jami. I'm so sorry." And I cried. I let all of my emotions out. We went and sat in the chapel and cried.

We talked and cried and I remember saying, "What am I supposed to do? How can I do this without him?" I remember having such a heavy heart and almost a panic of what would happen with my life. I remember wondering if I would be able to give Kason the life he deserves and how I would be strong for him. Kara was so amazing to listen to me talk and cry and the things she said that helped me get to where I am now.

Mom and Jesse came in and asked if I wanted Kason with me. I told them, "Yes, I need his strength right now." They left to go pick up Kason from Thatcher. Kara and I walked outside. It was almost as if a burden was lifted from my shoulders and the realization came to me that Kameron is okay. He's not in an awful place, he is in the most amazing place anyone can go. He isn't hurting anymore. He isn't suffering. He is happy and he has all of his questions answered. He is the lucky one.

As we sat outside and I talked out my emotions, I realized that it is more important for him to be with Heavenly Father right now, he has missions in Heaven that need to be accomplished. I realized that this trial is about MY strength and MY faith and MY understanding of everything. So, I am okay with where Kameron is. I know where he is and I know that he has stood beside the Savior. I know that he will be our constant companion and watch over us and bless us from Heaven, probably more than he ever could have on earth.

When Laurel got there we just talked and hugged. Laurel and I agreed that Kameron is with Hannah now, Laurel's little girl. Laurel promised Kameron that if he took care of Hannah, that she would take care of Kason.

We walked back into the hospital, holding hands, and a nurse said that they had removed all of Kameron's tubes and lines. I went in with Laurel & Kara. The Spirit was so strong in his room. We sat down and they held my hands as I looked at Kameron. His body looked so peaceful sitting there in the bed. He wasn't fighting for breath, his organs weren't struggling to function, he was at peace. He had been healed, just like our Heavenly Father had promised. His mind was sharp, just like had been promised. He was there to fulfill his missions.

Laurel & Kara left and I layed my head on Kameron and held his hand, for the last time. I knew he was sitting there right beside me, wishing he could hold my hand through all of this. I told him that I knew he was in a better place and that he was happy. Then I begged him to never leave us. I cried through my words as I said, "Please Kameron, don't ever, ever, ever leave my side. I need you now, more than ever." And I know that he won't. He will continue to be a strength to me. After I felt like I had said everything I could, I left.

I started to realize that things needed to be done. I called the funeral home and made arrangements for Kameron to be transported to Sierra Vista. The Habans and I spoke and discussed some concerns and "what to do's". And then, we all decided to leave. I kissed Kameron's cold head, told him I loved him, and that was it. The nurses made plans to transport Kameron to pathology. His body would finally be able to leave the place that caused him so much pain and suffering.

I found Laurel & Kara, who had been joined by Emily & Camille. We sat and talked, cried a few more tears. I remember at one point Laurel telling me that on Monday, when Kameron had cried and was squeezing my hand, that he knew he would be leaving me. His heart was hurting that he would have to leave this earth and leave me behind. He couldn't tell me and I remember asking him, "You know you're going to be okay, right?" He nodded his head yes. Little did I know that at that time, his idea of "okay" and mine, were two totally different things. I can just imagine his heart hurting for what he knew was about to happen and not being able to hold me and tell me that everything really would be alright. I know that it was Monday night that his Spirit left his body. I am so grateful I was not at the hospital on Tuesday to watch his body fight and suffer to stay alive. I am glad I wasn't there to see how awful it really was and that I was only there Wednesday morning to see him struggle for a little while. I know he was hanging on until we were able to be there. It wasn't even 30 minutes that we were there before he passed. He was always one to think of others and I am grateful that he did that for us.

While I was with friends, and had Kason with me, he asked me if we could go see Daddy. I just fell apart. This poor innocent little boy has no idea what has just happened. He was holding me tight, he knew I was hurting. I took him outside and told him that Daddy doesn't live with us anymore. Daddy went to go live with Heavenly Father and Jesus and he is up in heaven. Daddy is happy and healthy and he isn't sick anymore. I made sure Kason KNEW that his Daddy loves him very much, he always will, and he will always be with Kason. When I was finished Kason layed his head on my shoulder and hugged me tight. I don't know how much he understands but, I will always make sure that he knows what an amazing daddy he has and how much love he has for him.

After leaving the hospital, my friends and I went to go get something to eat. I was so numb still. I would being sitting there totally fine and then start crying because something I saw would remind me of Kameron. The baseball game on tv, a happy couple out on a date, it was so hard to not look around and see Kameron everywhere.

Coming home I was sick to my stomach. I knew that here, I would have to face reality. Each day would be difficult to even get out of bed. Last night, I struggled to fall asleep. I asked Heavenly Father for the strength I need to make it through this. As I layed my head on my pillow, I felt Kameron's hand on my shoulder, strengthening me and holding me until I fell asleep.

This morning, I haven't stopped crying. It's hard to imagine that he really is gone, and it wasn't just an awful dream. I have to live the rest of my life without my best friend here on earth. It is so scary to think about my future. I am scared for Kason. I am sick to my stomach over everything I am going to have to face. I know that now, more than ever, I am going to need my faith to get me through this. I need faith each morning to get out of bed and be a mom to my little, Kason. I will need faith to make decisions for me and Kason. I can't rely on Kameron anymore to turn to and ask his opinion - it's all up to me.

I am grateful for our patriarchal blessings, they both mean more to me now then they ever have before. I am grateful, grateful, grateful for eternal families. I KNOW without a doubt in my mind that Kameron is in Heaven anxiously awaiting our return so that we can be together again. I know that he will be so busy up there. I am sure he is already working, he was never one to sit still and not do anything. I am grateful for the knowledge that we have, for temple ceremonies. I am so grateful we were sealed in the temple for time and all eternity. I know that I have my best friend still, I still have my husband, Kason still has his daddy, it's just going to be awhile before we can all hold each other again.

It hurts so bad to not have him here. I feel lost and lonely, but at the same time, I feel a peace in knowing the things that I know, about eternal families and life after death. Kameron wouldn't want me to live in fear of my future. The rest of my life is going to be lived for him. I will do everything I do so that I can be with him again. I am grateful that he has passed through the veil so that he no longer has to suffer each day. I remember praying once, a few months ago, for Kameron to just have his pain taken away. I can now be at peace knowing that he has no pain. I am grateful that he doesn't have to suffer on this earth with the mental disabilities that he would have had. I am just glad that he no longer has to fight.

I love Kameron with all of my heart. He is my world and my rock. He is such a strength to me and has taught me so much about who I am. I am grateful to have him in my life. I am excited for the future that awaits us in heaven, we have missions to serve and children to raise. Our blessings in heaven will get me through this difficult path on earth.

I am grateful for the love and support of each and every one of you. It means a lot to me and Kameron is grateful that there are people on earth that are caring for his wife and son. I will be relying on others for a long time to get me through this.

I send my love and appreciation to each of you. I cannot express this enough. Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

You can't always be strong ...

2009-08-18T09:52:00.004-06:00

Last night was the first time in my life that I cried myself to sleep.
It was such a rough day yesterday.

I was negative most of the day, wondering why it's US going through this and how much longer we are going to have to suffer through this. How much more bad news can I take? How much more can Kameron's body suffer through? How long can Kason handle all of this? It didn't seem fair to me yesterday, I didn't feel strong enough to handle it anymore.
I cried a lot yesterday.

When the infectious disease doctor told me that the Valley Fever and the CMV are life threatening for him right now, I lost all hope that I had been given. I forgot the promises that have been made. I let Satan get between me and my faith. I allowed the doctor's to tell me Kameron's outcome instead of Heavenly Father.

Yesterday I couldn't do anything but sit by Kameron's bed and cry for him. To see his body fight so hard to get the oxygen it needs and then to still only have 85% saturation. I would cry and cry until he would wake up and then I needed to be the strong one. I choked back my tears and held his hand tight. During one of these times that I was looking into his eyes, I saw 2 little tears fall from his eyes. It made me hurt knowing that he is having to be the one going through this and suffering the way that he is.

I know that he is strong and I know that he has been given the promises of making it through all of this but, seeing him the way that he is and being told the things we have been told by the doctor's - it shakes my faith a little bit. I try to cling tight to the things we have been promised but it is so hard to hear words like, "life-threatening" "poor prognosis" & "mortality rate". And it's so hard for me to not wonder ... what will our life be like after this is over with? What kind of shape will Kameron be in? How much normalcy will we be able to reestablish?

I know that I need to live for today and not worry about tomorrow but that is a hard thing to do when your best friend is the one amidst all the worry.

But, today is a new day. I need to be the strong one again. I need to find the faith that wavered yesterday. I need to show our Heavenly Father that I am learning and growing through all of this. How will I do this? I'm not sure - especially when it seems like bad news is always just around the corner. But, I need to remember everything that has happened up to this point. This whole journey has been filled with miracles and I need to remember those.

So, today, I will get back on the horse and leave Satan in the dust, for he is the one who wants me to be miserable. Our Heavenly Father and our Savior - would never want my days to be filled with doubt and misery.

Here is to a new day, with new hope and stronger faith than before!

8/17: Can we get some consistancy PLEASE?!

2009-08-17T16:29:00.002-06:00

SO ... I headed to Tucson this morning and when I got here Kameron's vent settings were up to 100% and his saturation levels were right at 90 or below. That's a step in the wrong direction!

His subcute air (under his skin) has gotten a lot worse too. There were also some issues with his breathing tube, it almost sounded like it was leaking. (It makes me wonder why they don't just get this trach thing over with?!). They weren't sure what was causing him to need so much extra oxygen.

Then, Cindy Hatch (and her daughter) and Kay Ellet came by and then we headed out to lunch at Olive Garden (thanks again ladies - it was very delicious!!). Right as we were leaving the infectious disease doctor called me and told me that they got the cultures from the gunk in his lungs and ... it's Valley Fever. Grrreat. The interesting part about all of this, is back in June, they had suspected that Kameron had Valley Fever. They had tested him for it and from what I remember it came back negative. But, apparently he has had it all along and it has decided to rear it's ugly little head now. So, all day the nurse has been fighting to get Kameron's oxygen saturation levels up.

The worst part is the combination of the Valley Fever with the CMV, is very dangerous for his lungs. His lungs have already taken a beating and to get this on top of it, they're going to be in rough shape. And, the medication that they give him for the Valley Fever can be toxic for his kidneys but, she said that they would rather take the risk since he is on dialysis. There is also some concern re: the combination of the Valley Fever drug and the amount of steroids he is on. I guess the steroids can make the medication affect his kidneys even more. BUT, if they lower his steroids then the lupus will just get worse. If it's not one thing - it's another.

The neurologists are kind of signing off of Kameron's case for now, there really isn't much that they can do for him right now. She did say that he is still making progress and the main thing she is noticing is weakness, which is consistent with the areas of his brain that were affected.

Hopefully soon they can get the trach put in, get his CMV and Valley Fever under control and get some serious progress going!

Introducing...

2009-08-17T14:19:00.001-06:00

Kameron's team of nurses & doctors!
I figured that since I spend all day with these people ... maybe you should get to know them too!
granted, this isn't everyone but, some of the nurses he has only had like one time.

Doctors:

Dr. Hueng: Pulmonologist. Very intelligent. CARES SO MUCH about his patients! I remember when Kameron had had several days of bad news and then the next day his numbers climbed (more like tripled), well when the nurse told him Kam's new numbers he jumped up and down saying, "yes!" Bottom line: Dr. Hueng is awesome.

Dr. Hedeli: Pulmonologist (works with Hueng) ... basically, he reminds me of the big alien on Lilo & Stitch. Accent, looks, laugh ... exactly.

Dr. Gold: I honestly don't know what kind of Dr. he is, I think he is just a basic hospital doctor, roams the halls and does a little bit of everything. Anyways, he is ... interesting, for lack of a better word. He always looks upset and hardly ever says anything but, you can tell that he is brilliant.

He also has lots of other Doctors:
Dr. Insell (Internal Medicine)
Dr. Jan/Dr. Walshaw (Renal)

Dr. Soderberg (ENT)
Dr. Karl/Dr. Howe (Rheumatologist)
Dr. Nasif (Infectious Disease)

And they are all really great!!

Day Nurses:

Julie: GREAT nurse. Takes time to explain things to us, in ways that we will understand. Just don't get on her bad side ;)

Ron: Also, a very excellent nurse that will explain things to us whenever he is doing something. Can tell he really cares about Kameron and wants him to get better. Just celebrated 10 years of working at TMC.

Tery: Seriously, SO sweet. I loved when she was Kameron's nurse.

Natalea: Very intelligent nurse! Knows so much about what she is doing!

Leah: Really sweet. LOVES Kason. Works hard to get things done.

Gabe: Tall dude. Very focused on his work but, takes time to get to know the patient and answer any questions we have.

David: Could POSSIBLY be LDS, really looks it. And has only been married 18 months and has a 6 month old ... hmmmm. He really takes time to get to know us, is always checking on how we're doing and how Kason is handling everything.

Richard: Looks almost identical to Daniel. I kid you not. When Kameron was on the sedation (and awake) and Richard was his nurse, Kameron asked me if Richard was Daniel.

Night Nurses:

(I don't know many of these, just because I'm not usually here at night!)

Chip: Drives a Harley. Loves to play with Kason. Cares about Kameron but, also always takes time to ask how I am doing.

Lindsey: Seriously, Lindsey rocks. Like I want to hang out with her because she is so much fun. When Kameron was awake and she was his nurse, he was like, "great, you guys are gonna talk all night - you're going to get along way too well!"

Techs:

Graham: Working his way through medical school by being a tech. Lots of fun, jokes around with Kam when he's awake. Very friendly.

Pat: Jolly. That is seriously the best way to describe Pat. He sings and dances and whistles ALL day when he is working. He is lots of fun.

Charge Nurse:

Jenn: The sweetest nurse here, I think. I could sit and talk to her for hours about, who knows what. She is such a sweetheart!

SO ... there ya have it. The people we spend day in and day out with. Kameron has an AMAZING team of doctors and nurses that work with him.

8/16

2009-08-16T20:48:00.003-06:00

Yesterday, Dr. Hueng was back (yay!) he told us that he is very pleased with Kameron's progress. He had said that when he would check in with other doctors re: Kameron, he was getting discouraged because he was afraid Kameron was just going to be a vegetable! So, when he was at the hospital and checked on Kameron, he was so happy to see him awake and responding and even squeezing his hand. He said he was very pleased with how Kameron looked.

Matt & I were talking about this, and thought this might be the case. Dr. Hueng has seen Kameron since day 1 so he has know his best days and his worst days. The other pulmonologist that was there this past week, has never seen Kameron before, so he doesn't realized how much improvement we have seen. (That doesn't excuse some of the things he's said, which I am still a little bitter about, but I'll get over it!) So, I was glad to hear Dr. Hueng's encouraging words!

He showed me Kameron's CT Scan of his lungs and and x-ray. There are little pockets or cysts on his lungs that they did a culture of to make sure it's not Pneumocystis Pneumonia.

Today when I talked to Dr. Hueng he said that Kameron is looking really good from a lung stand point. The two main concerns right now are getting the trach in, which they will be doing this week, and getting a GI Doc to see Kameron about his liver. He wants to see if there is anything that can be done to help Kameron's bilirubin levels or if we just have to let his body run it's course and get the bilirubin out on it's own.

He also mentioned something about putting a feeding peg in. It is a feeding tube that goes right into his stomach from the outside. Then they can get the feeding tube out of his nose!

That's about it. I will be down there most of this week. Del Ann & Gary Haymore stopped by to see Kameron today and said that he seemed to recognize them and know who they were. I also want to remember that John Morril stopped by to see Kameron on Friday & awhile back (like several weeks), I remember Kameron telling me that Mike Goodman had stopped by to visit. We love having visitors! It breaks up the monotony of the day! :)

"I love you, daddy!"

2009-08-15T17:15:00.001-06:00

8/14

2009-08-14T21:53:00.002-06:00

Wow, we have had quite the interesting past few days. I am exhausted from it! So, as a warning - this will probably turn out to be a long post!

When I was at the hospital on Wednesday, even though Kameron was somewhat awake, I could tell that he was having a hard time comprehending a lot that was going on. I was a little concerned about this and especially because when he looked at me, I could see a little desperation in his eyes and almost confusion. I had asked him if he recognized me and he didn't nod his head, so I was afraid that for some reason - he had no idea who I was. I was also worried because his right eyelid was really droopy compared to his left. I wasn't entirely sure what might cause that - but I did know that it was a sign of stroke. So, I came home Wednesday night and worried about it that night but, I knew in the morning I was going to have to get ready to head to the hospital for his trach surgery.

Thursday morning came and I dropped the Lil' Man off at a friends house and headed to Tucson. About 20 minutes into my trip, my mom calls and says that she felt like she needed to be in Tucson with me that day and she was on her way. I started wondering why she would have the prompting to be there - and it got me really nervous wondering what could be wrong. Then I remembered what I had noticed Wednesday, what if they were going to tell us that something was wrong with Kameron's brain? On the way down I was looking up "brain damage" on my phone. (don't tell on me :) But, it was hard to get much information because I didn't know what I was searching for. So, I get to the hospital and when I get to Kameron's room, the pulmonologist (not Dr. Hueng, I can't remember his name) pulls me out of Kameron's room and says;

"We did the CT Scan this morning and it showed that your husband has significant brain damage."

My heart DROPPED.

Had I been prepared on my drive to the hospital to hear this news so that it wasn't such a punch in the gut? He told me that he had hemorrhages in his brain and then he went on to talk about his lungs - which I have no idea what he said about that. My thoughts were still stuck on, "brain damage." It's different to just think it's a possibility, but when you hear it come out of a doctor's mouth - it's not easy to hear, at all. He told me that they aren't sure how much damage was done or anything, he told me I would have to wait for the neurologists to come by.

Well, this happened at about 11:30 and I had to wait until 5:30 to talk to the neurologist!!!! Thank heavens my mom was there for support! I was going crazy all day. I was sick to my stomach, I couldn't think straight, I was close to going crazy. I had gotten his CT Scan report and was googling almost every medical term on there to see if I could make any sense of what they saw. I learned a few things but, nothing that brought me comfort.

Finally, at 5:30 the team of neurologists came in (an attending, a resident and an intern). They told us that they really couldn't tell us much until they ran some more tests. They wrote orders for an MRI and an EEG, which measure the brain waves. Great, so another day of waiting for answers. That night, right before we left, his night nurse said that they would do the MRI around 11:00pm.

This morning, I called the hospital and they still didn't have any reports from the MRI. So, I headed down there with about 200 knots in my stomach. I didn't want to talk to the doctors, I didn't want to talk to any nurses, I just wanted to avoid the hospital today. I wasn't sure what kind of news we were going to get. I kept praying that whatever the news was, that we could find a way to make it work. That I would be at peace with our future and that Kameron would be okay. I probably cried half of the way down there - I was just SO nervous about getting to the hospital.

When I got there this morning, I talked to Kam's nurse. He said that they had done the EEG and it didn't show any abnormalities. That gave me a little bit of relief. Then, the resident came in a talked to me. When she talked about the EEG she also said that it didn't show any abnormalities - which proves he isn't have seizures. She did say that his brain was a little sluggish but, we had already assumed that. She said that they were still waiting on the actual report of the MRI but they had seen the images and there were definately some things on his brain. I asked her about the hemorrhages and she said that there were teeny tiny, almost like little pin pricks filled with blood and they should go away without presenting any problems. What we need to be worried about is the areas that were affected by hypoxia (lack of oxygen). Basically, during all of this, certain parts of the brain hadn't gotten the oxygen and blood flow that they needed so, the vessels have shut down and have made these areas "low density". So, she told me she wasn't sure what areas were affected and how they would be affected and we would need to wait to talk to her attending before we could get any real answers.

So, we waited alllll day again. And in the mean time, the pulmonologist that had talked to me yesterday about Kameron's brain damage came in and told me that since Kameron is showing some progress, it looks like his case will be worth pursuing. I was like, "what?! did he really just say that to me?" I was a little taken back that a doctor would say that to the wife of the patient!!!

Anyways ... back on track. When the neurologist came tonight, she again confirmed that Kameron has these low density areas on his brain. She said that he has them on his; corpus callosum and the basal ganglia on either side of the corpus callosum. The basal ganglia has something to do with the transfer of information for coordination and movement. The corpus callosum is the bridge that sends information back and forth between our right brain and our left brain.

She said that there is no way to know how much damage has been done. It could be weeks before we know any of that. I asked her if the low density areas can repair themselves and she said that our brains usually don't regenerate but, they can relearn things. So, if something is affected, his brain will just figure out a new way to do it.

I asked her if his brain has been injured because of the lupus. She told us that our brains are so interesting, the way they react to things. So, there will never be any definate way to determine what caused the brain injury. It could be the lupus, his high blood pressure, lack of oxygen, a combination of all three ... who knows. So we will never know exactly what caused all of this to happen.

Art asked if he is just sluggish because of the sedatives still being in his body, since they haven't been cleaned out because of his liver not working right. She said that could be a possibility. We will just have to watch him the next little while and see.

What she told us, is that with Kameron's case, she doesn't want to worry about the images or the scans or the tests. Her main concern right now is if he is progressing clinically each day. That is her main concern. If he is doing that - then she will be pleased. If he was just laying there like a vegetable, I would see the reason for concern. I am glad that she told us this because since Wednesday, every day I have seen improvements - even in the few hours I am with him.

Yesterday when we were there, Kam would move his right hand and he would barely be able to keep his eyes open for more than a few seconds. By the end of the day he was starting to move his neck. He was also able to recognize me and Kason (when I showed him a picture), so that was a relief!

Today, he was able to move his left hand. When he would squeeze my hand today with his right hand, I could tell he was just a little bit stronger than yesterday. Today he could keep his eyes open for much longer periods of time and he was awake a LOT more than he was yesterday. I would say yesterday his wake/sleep ratio was close to 10/90, today it was closer to 30/70. He started moving his right shoulder today. And even his right eyelid, was a little less droopy today. He was also moving his mouth and tongue a LOT today! He kept trying to chew on his breathing tube but, he didn't have the strength to bite down. So, there was definately progression today. This makes me very optimistic and positive.

I realized on the way home how important it is that I continue to focus on all the little, positive things. Like the fact that he moved his left hand today, or that he moved his shoulder. I will lose all optimism if I focus on the negative things; like why won't he do this? or that?

So, we will see what happens. We will just have hope that each day he will have a little bit of improvement.

Don't ask me about anything else that is going on because I really can't tell you much. His vent setting is down to 45%. He has a virus called CMV. A lot of us have been exposed to it and even gotten this but, because we have immune systems, we never see the effects of it. With Kameron, since he has no immune system, it's affected him. The infectious disease doctor said that CMV often attacks the liver and the lungs. SO, they put him on another chemotherapy drug (that is nowhere near as strong as the Cytoxan), this drug is called: Ganciclovir. Still doing dialysis on Tuesday, Thursday & Saturday. They are planning on doing the trach sometime this coming week!

Sorry for the days hiatus ... I had alot on my mind!

2009-08-13T15:48:00.002-06:00

My little bro is starting up a photography business and he is very talented! So ... hop on over to his BLOG and WEBSITE to check out his work! And you can purchase some of his awesome landscape prints!!

Thanks!

***

I will post about Kam, later today. We are waiting for a visit from a doctor before I can post anything.

8/12

2009-08-12T13:35:00.003-06:00

Alrighty ...

Yesterday they put Kameron on regular dialysis. It will go for 3-4 hours, 3 times a week. This will help his kidneys get back into the swing of things on their days off of dialysis.

This morning they had to put another chest tube in Kameron's left side. His pneumothorax was growing. But, the chest x-ray taken after they did the chest tube showed that his lung is expanded again. Because they had to do the chest tube his vent setting is at 60% and his oxygen level is at 97%. Today he has NO IV's running! They took him off of the TPN (IV Nutrients) and no medications are running. With the TPN off, this will help his liver enzymes decrease which will help clear out that ammonia and the sedative/paralytic.

And, when I talked to Kameron's nurse last night she said that Kameron would hardly open his eyes but, this morning when I talked to her she said that he will open his eyes when you ask him to and he will nod his head if you ask him questions! HOORAY! I wasn't planning on coming to Tucson today but, when I talked to his nurse, she asked him if he wanted me here and he nodded yes. So, I left Lil' Man with his uncles and headed down here. I can tell he is still really weak and doesn't have much energy to nod his head or open his eyes but, it's nice to have some sort of communication with him and know that he can at least hear what I am saying and comprehend it. It's all about the baby steps and the little bit of progress! I would much rather have a little progress each day then, lots of bad news each day!

Yay for hubby's being awake! :D

(after writing this post, I asked Kameron to wiggle his fingers and he did a teeny tiny bit!! (and when I say teeny tiny, that's what I mean! lol) Oh, Happy Day!)

So ...

2009-08-11T12:51:00.003-06:00

I really miss this guy...

(this is the only picture I could find of just him! (unless you wanted one with all the hospital tubes...ya, didn't think so) this picture was taken the day he was admitted to TMC - July 4th. You all thought I was never going to post a picture again, huh?)

It's so hard to not talk to your best friend for 3 weeks.

And that, is probably the hardest part about all of this. I love him & miss him badly, my heart aches for him!!
I can't write anymore than that, unless I want mascara running down my cheeks.

So, cling tight to your spouses, they're the best thing that will ever happen to you!

8/11

2009-08-10T22:52:00.004-06:00

Yesterday, they turned Kameron off of the dialysis machine! woohoo! They will see how his kidneys do and if they jump back in and start doing their job. If not, they will just put him on regular dialysis 3 times a week and that will help his kidneys start working again.

His vent was down to 45% when I left and he was doing really good - oxygen levels right around 95%.

He still wasn't awake but, had moved his mouth when his nurse was brushing his teeth. I think he is just so weak, he doesn't have the strength to do anything.

They moved him to another room - #461.

On Thursday they are doing surgery for his trach!! yay! I am so excited for that!

I just talked to his nurse today and he said that everything is pretty much the same since yesterday. His blood pressure and heart rate are both a little elevated. His bloodwork looks better than yesterday and his liver enzymes have gone down a bit. His blood has almost normal carbon dioxide levels.

And he still isn't really awake. Just the same as yesterday.

I won't be down there today. Lil' Man has a dentist appointment. Tomorrow, it depends on how Kameron is doing when I call in the morning. If he is more awake, I will head down. If not ... I'll just wait until Thursday and Kason and I will go for his surgery.

Hopefully I will be able to give okay updates even if I am not there.

8/10 - Good Morning!

2009-08-10T11:54:00.003-06:00

Yesterday before I left to go home I was really hoping that Kameron would wake up and I would see him awake before I left. He didn't wake up all the way but, he would open his eyes and teeny-tiny amount and look over at me when I would talk. So, I KNOW that he can hear me and knows I am here. He is doing the same thing today but, more often.

His vent setting is down to 50% with his oxygen level in his blood, right around 90%. And he only has his TPN running, and even that they are trying to wean him off of. He has been off his blood pressure medication since yesterday at 4pm so, 19 hours. If he makes it to 24 hours (4pm today) then they will turn off his CRRT machine! His blood pressure is looking really good so, I am crossing my fingers he'll make it!

We are waiting to see the ENT about his trach. Hopefully he will be in today and we can get that done!

Kam's nurse was saying that Kameron could be so lethargic because he has high levels of ammonia in his blood and with his liver enzymes being high, his liver isn't clearing it out. So, they gave him a medication through his NG tube that will pull the extra ammonia out of his blood, through his GI trac. His nurse also told me that he has NO bed sores! I was surprised by that since he has been in the same position for weeks now. He just has some thick skin ;)

I have been thinking alot over the past couple of days how GRATEFUL I am for each of you. Your love, support, generosity and concern amazes me! I am so grateful there are such generous people. I have had some amazing experiences with people, some that I do not even know, that I will never be able to forget! I don't know how else to express my gratitude except to say THANK YOU!

(that and you're all invited to Kameron's "We're glad you're here, happy birthday & way to go" party, when this all blows over! ;)

8/9

2009-08-09T14:37:00.004-06:00

Today we came to the hospital right after Sacrament Meeting. When I had called Kam's nurse at 7:30 she said that overnight he would open his eyes and track you but, that was all he was doing and he hasn't done that since. I'm just so anxious for him to wake up! I know he is just going to be so weak and probably will panic a little bit when he sees all the things hooked up to him! But, it will be nice to see him awake!

Dr. Hueng showed us the x-ray of Kameron's left lung right before they put in his chest tube - there was like 2 inches of extra air/fluid on the outside of his lung! It was crazy. No wonder he has been having a hard time breathing! Then - he showed us the x-ray of his lung about 15 minutes after they put in the chest tube and it was fully expanded again. Crazy, how quick it fixed itself!

Kameron only has ONE medication running right now - his blood pressure medication, which helps keep his BP up. His platelets are at 41,000 but he has been doing fine with bleeding. They didn't have any issues with him bleeding yesterday when they put the chest tube in.

His CO2 levels are good. His oxgenation is at 65% and his oxygen levels in his blood are at 95%. They did have it down to 60% but, he kept dropping down below 90% so, they put it up.

Tomorrow Kameron will have a consult with the ENT for his TRACH!! (woohoo!) When they do the surgery, they will also do a CT Scan of his brain, neck & chest, just to check on those an make sure it all looks okay (no internal bleeding, etc.) all at the same time so, they only have to take him out of the room once.

Today they are also supposed to do an ultrasound of his liver and pancreas and of his heart - I believe. They couldn't do them yesterday because he had too much air underneath his skin that they couldn't get a good picture so, now that the air is mostly gone - they should be able to see it better. It's crazy - you can feel the air under his skin and it almost feel like ... Rice Krispies! It's weird.

Oh - they are hoping to take him off of the CRRT and try doing normal dialysis. But, he has to be off of his blood pressure medication for 24 hours before they can do that. And they just re-started it at 11am today, so we will still wait on that.

and that's it! I am trying to be patient with him waking up but I can't! I am so impatient. ;)

8/8 - One Month in ICU!

2009-08-08T20:51:00.002-06:00

Time has FLOWN by! I cannot believe Kameron has been in ICU for a MONTH! When we first started this journey, I wouldn't have ever imagined I would be 30 days into this ICU journey, with so much more ahead of us!
But, it's good. Things are good. I'm learning a lot (about myself, about others, about medical stuff). Kason is my little trooper. The nurses on Kam's floor rock (I think introductions are in order...). It's been a long 30 days but, at the same time - it's gone by so fast!

Anyways! Today was a good day. This morning they put Kameron's oxygenation down to 60%! They were hoping by the end of the day to get it down to 50%! woo-hoo! Because of this they also ...

turned off his sedation!!!!!

You have no idea how excited I was about this!! I was there most of the morning waiting for him to just pop open his eyes and be awake. BUT ... he has been on such a high dosage of sedative (plus the paralytic) and, his liver enzymes are high (more on that in a bit) and his kidneys are still on dialysis that it is going to take him a lot longer than normal to wake up. So, I left the hospital at 3:00 and his brain activity was still only at 50% (which btw, I learned, it's just percentage ... not anything fancy). So, we're still waiting. It's 8:00pm now and I just talked to his nurse 30 minutes ago and he still isn't really awake. He will do things that show he is coming out of sedation but, he isn't awake and alert yet. I can't wait to see him awake again!

They also had to put in another chest tube on his left side. While I was at the hospital Kameron's oxygen levels in his blood kept dropping below 90 and he kept "desat-ing" at 87. Finally, they did a chest x-ray and saw a huge pneumothorax (leak in his lung) in his left lung. So, Dr. Hueng quickly put the tube in and within a few minutes his oxygen levels were back up to 97-98.

Now, his liver enzymes are high because they have been feeding him TPN (which stands for: Total Parenteral Nutrition, and is given through his IV) and apparently, long-term TPN affects your liver. So, they are weaning him off of that by giving him two tube feedings a day, which is up from just one a day. Once they pull the TPN off, his liver enzymes will stabalize and that will hopefully get rid of the jaundice he's still got.

His white blood cell count is up to 23.4! And his platelets are hangin' in there at 70,000.

Within a day or two they are hoping to put the trach in. Yay!

So, we are slowly, steadily moving along. We are a long ways from being out of the hospital but, we're getting there!

8/7 - Good Evening

2009-08-07T20:30:00.001-06:00

Since they have taken Kameron off his paralytic he has been doing really good without it! It took awhile for him to become un-paralyzed, it usually takes 2 hours but because Kameron has kidney issues it took longer. Probably about 5 hours.

He has been coughing and they do this test where the send electric currents through his body and see how many times they get muscle spasms back. When they have done this they get 4 out of 4 spasms, which is good.

Their main concern was his breathing and how his peak airway pressure would be affected. But, so far gua breathing has been just fine!

He is still sedated but, they lowered it some today. I am hoping that they will continue to lower it so Kameron can maybe be more awake and alert.

Today, our good friends from Thatcher, Cami and Shawn Warren & all their adorable kids, came to see us today. It was so fun to see people from Thatcher & visit for a bit. And they saved my life by getting me some phillipine brand mangoes from Costco (thanks again guys!)

I decided I need to document when people come to visit because I will never be able to remember everyone who has come and I want Kameron to know who has stopped by. (for the record: Mason Nicholls dad stopped by, brother schlessinger from our ward stopped by and Kameron's boss has stopped by...I think that's it. If you have come by and I didn't remember - PLEASE remind me!!!)

So besides some yummy cold stone with Holly Hamilton - that has pretty much been our day. My mom headed back home tonight so, I am back to wrangling Kason on my own.

Tune in tomorrow for an update! ;)
Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

8/7 - Good Morning!

2009-08-07T11:36:00.002-06:00

Last night, around 5pm, Dr. Hueng came and put in the chest tube to help Kam’s pneumothorax. He cut a little incision about 3 inches down from his right armpit. Then he dissected his way through the muscle and fat until right before he would break through. Then, when he put the rubbery tube through, you could hear all of the air escape! It was crazy! Just like a little gust of air letting all of the extra air out! Then, they hooked it all up and bandaged him up.He also took out Kameron’s catheter’s that were in his groin, the vas-cath. Those things were HUGE! They were probably like 7 or 8 inches long! YIKES!

And, the super good news that I was so excited about last night, I wanted to tell it to everyone I saw: His platelet count was up to 90,000!!!! And his white blood cell count was up to 7.5! What a jump! I was seriously so excited because I know that they have been putting off doing a lot of procedures, that will help him get better, because of these two numbers being low! So, now that they are finally climbing – we’re getting closer to being able to do these procedures! Happy day!

This morning around 9:30 they turned off Kameron's paralytic. They are watching his peak airway pressures to make sure they stay at a good level (whatever that means!) He is still sedated but, atleast he is slowing coming off his medications. His oxygenation is also down to 70% today. And his platelets are at 71,000 (I am assuming they dropped since yesterday because yesterday when they did the count, Kameron had just received one unit of platelets), and his white blood cell count is up 10.5!

So, we are definately taking baby steps in the right direction! Kameron is still very ill and in ICU and all that jazz BUT ... we are getting good news so often now that it's SO encouraging! I know that we still have a long road ahead of us but, it makes things easier when it's positive news we hear each morning!!

8/6 - Midday

2009-08-06T14:19:00.002-06:00

Alright! Kason, my mom and I were at the Children's Museum here in Tucson when Kameron's nurse called.

She told me they were going to be putting a chest tube into Kam to get rid of his pneumothorax.

The pneumothroax is a leak in the lungs causing air to seap outside of the lungs. It puts pressure on the lungs and kind of closes it in - making it hard to breathe and for the oxygen and carbon dioxide exchange to take place.

So, when they put this chest tube in, it acts as a negative pressure and pulls all the extra air out and allows the lungs to expand. This will help Kameron's respiratory numbers. His oxygenation is at 90% and the oxygen in his blood is 92% so, hopefully with this in his breathing will come easier and less strained.

They will be giving him two bags of platelets and then doing the procedure in his room - no need for an O.R. :)